Donald Trump is exactly the kind of person that Jesus would have thrown out of the temple and beaten with a stick, and the fact that so many self-identified Christians want to put him in office tells you pretty everything wrong with white American Christianity.
Because Jesus had authority at temples and beat people.
I 100% can’t tell if you’re joking here but he actually did chase people out of a temple at least once for using religion for their own selfish gains, complete with literal table flipping and improvised whips
So really it’s not that he would have trump thrown out as much as he would storm in and accuse him of turning his father’s house into a den of thieves before upending a table on his head
Dude, Jesus not only chased them out, he broke stuff they were selling, let loose all of their animals, and fucking flipped all the money-changing tables.
Jesus 100% would have been chasing Trump out with a table leg.
Canon Jesus 10000% better than fanon Jesus
Canon Jesus did some very weird shit. Like, just before throwing the market out of the temple, he stole a donkey, then cursed a fig tree because it didn’t have any fruit on it. The next day, or possibly immediately, everyone was amazed that the fig tree he had cursed was withered. He must’ve been in a fuckin weird mood. Going through a Dark Period. The Chaotic Mage of Light losing his shit just a little bit.
“So, what the fuck was that, Jesus?” someone asked as they’re all looking at the horribly withered corpse of the poor cursed tree.
“The power of prayer,” Jesus said absently.
“… wait, is cursing literally a form of prayer? Because some Wiccans are going to be really upset about that, like, they have a whole threefold law thing, is this… okay?”
“Listen,” said Jesus, “If I tell a mountain to get back in the sea? The mountain will get in the fucking sea. Do you want me to tell you to get in the sea?”
And they were all like, “Good demo, Jesus. Good lesson.”
Meanwhile, he was having the aforementioned public brawl in the temple.
Just keep that in mind during this election cycle – viable answers for What Would Jesus Do include flipping tables, stealing animals and striking down shrubbery with magic, all in one week.
Before Holy Week in the church calendar comes the lesser-known festival of Christ Doesn’t Give A Fuck Week
I now have a mental image of Jesus as Negan from the walking dead, dolling out justice on religious heathens with a table leg studded with nails.
The fig tree incident happened because he was hungry and couldn’t find any fruit on it. Anyone who’s experienced low blood sugar can relate to that tantrum.
Jesus was hangry.
I believe this is my favorite post ever.
My favorite part of the “flipping tables at the temple” story is that before any of that went down, Jesus went out and wove his own whip with which to drive these people out.
I like to imagine him being just so angry, muttering under his breath while he braided together the scourge.
“And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away.”
“Jesus, how can I avoid sin when all these hussies keep revealing the fact that they have bodies?!”
“Hmmm, tough call bro. Have you tried gouging out your eyes so you don’t have to see all those bodies anymore?”
“wut”
“What?”
“Shouldn’t you tell them to… stop dressing like that or something?”
“Don’t see why. It’s not their fault that the fact that they have bodies makes you a fucking sinful horndog. Gotta fix that problem yourself, buddy. Go on, blind yourself.”
“Uh….”
“Or learn to keep it in your g’damn pants no matter what they’re wearing.”
Now listen, you rich people, weep and wail because of the misery that is coming on you. Your wealth has rotted, and moths have eaten your clothes. Your gold and silver are corroded. Their corrosion will testify against you and eat your flesh like fire. You have hoarded wealth in the last days. Look! The wages you failed to pay the workers who mowed your fields are crying out against you. The cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord Almighty. You have lived on earth in luxury and self-indulgence. You have fattened yourselves in the day of slaughter. You have condemned and murdered the innocent one, who was not opposing you.— James 5:1-6
At first I thought this was an angry Tumblr post but then it turned out to be the Literal Bible and it got 1000x better
Maybe misusing the name of God isn’t so much about saying the shallow words, “Oh my God,” as it is about using the name of God to justify discrimination, oppression, injustice, racism, slavery, xenophobia, poverty, sexism, islamophobia, ableism, homophobia, war, & the list can go on.
Amen
When I was a wee little Gaslight attending Catholic Sunday schools, and then later in college when I was taking a Bible as Literature class, both my stolid neighborhood deacon and my dapper Protestant professor said almost the exact same thing:
“Taking the Lord’s name in vain isn’t when someone says ‘God damn it.’ It’s when a mortal, fallible human being presumes to put words in God’s mouth and say ‘This is what God wants you to do.’“
Me: *thinking about Christian memes* What if Jesus had come in 2017 instead of back during Roman times? Would He, instead of using parables, have spoken in memes?
Roommate: I hate you. You aren’t allowed to have any more thoughts about Jesus.
Me: It’s not like its heresy! It isn’t insulting!
Roommate: Yes, it is! Memes are inherently sin, a sign of the Devil’s influence on this fallen world!
Satan: turn these stones into bread
Jesus: bold of you to assume that man can live on bread alone
a fig tree out of season: *no figs*
jesus: then perish
the world: *in shambles*
jesus: this is so sad, Gabriel play Damned For All Time
People after the crucifixion: Jesus died on the cross wow what a shame
Jesus during the resurrection: oh, haven’t you heard?
sending your kid to catholic school is the easiest way to guarantee your kid will not be catholic
Fun story: a friend of mine discovered she was bi-sexual and into bdsm at a catholic school after a nun put her over her knee and spanked her. Christians just can’t seem to get anything right.
Well, according to Ezekiel 1 they might look something like this…
According to Daniel 10 something like this…
According to Isaiah 6…
In Ezekiel 10…
Again in Ezekiel 10…
Basically, when the people writing Scripture tried to describe what they saw when they saw an angel… they run into the end of their imagination… they can never quite seem to fully explain it because they had trouble even comprehending what they saw, let alone being able to describe it to someone else.
Yeah, that’s usually how people responded to seeing them in the Bible…
There’s a good reason why angels’ standard greeting is ‘Do not be afraid’.
I used to listen to this radio show and one thing I remember because it was so funny was a Christmas special where an angel showed up to tell the shepherds about the birth of Christ. The conversations went:
Angel: “FEAR NOT.”
Shepherds: *screaming*
Angel: “I SAID FEAR NOT.”
Shepherds: *screaming LOUDER*
Angel: “WHAT PART OF FEAR NOT ARE YOU NOT UNDERSTANDING?”
So demons are fallen angels but they don’t look scary because they’re fallen, that’s just what all angels look like…
Maybe that’s why so many Christians see visions of Saints or the Virgin Mary instead…like Jesus is all…no, no see being human made me realize sending Angels might not be the best idea. I don’t know if humans can handle this. So I’m gonna just send mom
Jesus: It’s either Mom or the thousand eyed flaming wheel, Dad, do you really think the humans are gonna be chill with that when they’re terrified of spiders already?
God: Hey now, some of those spiders eat birds.
Jesus: …Dad…
God: …To be fair, Australian wildlife was my dark creation phase.
Reblogging for all of this, including the Australian hellbeasts callout.
Also, there is one passage where an angel just appears to be a fellow soldier/leader/human and the person looking at him can’t tell the difference. I’m totally goin with SPN’s ‘vessel’ concept on this one:
Joshua 5: 13-14
When Joshua was near the town of Jericho, he looked up and saw a man standing in front of him with sword in hand. Joshua went up to him and demanded, “Are you friend or foe?”
“Neither one,” he replied. “I am the commander of the LORD’s army.”
I’m totally gonna assume that was Anna.
Okay but can we get back to a theological explanation of Australia?
Like, since Jews don’t believe in Hell and the Old Testament predates the New Testament, did God see Australia and think, “Hey, I can use that…”
Is Hell just God’s Australia AU fic?
Christianity isn’t the best religion. It’s not the most correct religion. And I firmly believe that the earliest followers of Christ and Jesus himself would have been horrified to have seen the religion that emerged in Jesus name.
Followers of Jesus were called to follow Christ into their own culture, religion, or context, not to join a new religion.
But within the hundreds of years after Jesus and his disciples were gone, the followers of Jesus began to advocate for a certain set of religious practices, certain doctrines, certain hierarchical structures- they began to do exactly the opposite of what Jesus himself did- they created institutions of privilege and power.
They diluted the simple way of Jesus and created a religion that had very little to do with giving to the poor or loving your enemy, and more to do with appeasing God and paying one’s religious dues to an institution in exchange for salvation after death- something Jesus rarely talked about at all.
And you have heard it said, “Absolute power corrupts absolutely”
wupacing 