Dear people who say statements like the above scare away good men,
It fucking doesn’t.
When I started dating my current boyfriend we talked for 6 hours on our first date and 7 hours on our second. We talked about a shit ton of different topics, and one of those topics was politics and the #metoo movement. We talked about sexual harassment and sexual assault.
Every step along the way towards us having sex he asked for my consent. The first day we actually had sex he made sure I was ready and checked in on me several times to make sure I was still enjoying myself. He was amazing.
I had men who were trying to flirt with me grab at me before I even knew who they were. I’ve had creepy old men decide giving me a shoulder massage while I was sitting down the perfect way they could introduce themselves. That is the type of touching we want to stop.
Any of the guys that are scared off by women saying “don’t touch us unless we ask” are the exact type of guys that need to learn about consent, women’s bodily autonomy and personal space.
If you are concerned that becoming friends with a women in the Me Too era will read to someone accusing you of sexual harassment, you need to rethink how you interact with women.
I have a bunch of guy friends, and none of them are afraid I’m going to accuse them of anything. Do you know why? We are friends. We treat each other with respect. Any of them can hug me goodbye or put their arm around me and I know they won’t touch me inappropriately. But when we first met that wasn’t true. We built a friendship of trust.
I am a hugger, I like hugging people. My friends know this about me, but when I meet new people I always ask them if it is okay that I hug them. I have had people say no, and I respect that and do not hug them.
It is not hard to ask for consent.
Looking back on my first date with my ex, not asking for consent is a danger sign.
He’s tall, I’m short. We met online, then got together at a local Chili’s for our first date. In the parking lot, walking to the restaurant, he put an arm around me and said something like, “I just want to try” or “Let me see.” Then he leaned down and kissed me.
I didn’t want a kiss. (I didn’t realize at the time that I’m asexual, but that’s neither here nor there.) But I was shocked, and women are socially conditioned to be pleasing and accommodating – to go along with whatever men want – so I just laughed it off like it was a cute test to see how our difference in height would work.
But through the six years we were together, he never wanted my consent.
Oh, he wanted me to say I’d have sex with him, even when I didn’t want to. He harassed, guilted, bargained, and intimidated me into “consenting” because I was his girlfriend/wife and that’s what girlfriends/wives do – they spread their legs for their husbands.
So please, learn from my mistakes: If he doesn’t look for your consent from day 1, run like hell and don’t look back. He’s not worth it.
is an absolutely valid reason to not want to date someone.
People had the nerve to call me shallow for this.
By the way, it’s also totally cool to turn someone down without explaining your reasons. You are not interested, no will suffice. Do not feel pressured to explain your decisions to someone else.
Look at his hands, look at her balance. She’s not daintily placing her foot in the air, she is off-kilter. The placement of his legs and the force he is exerting on her is pulling her off of her feet. Look at his hand on her waist. He’s forcing her hips into that position. Look at her head in the crook of his elbow, he has entire control over the position of her head. Look at the way they kiss, look at his closed fist. This wasn’t a gentle advance with an opportunity for dissent (or consent), this was a woman ripped off of her feet and molested. This is rape culture.
Man, shut the fuck up.
LOLOLOLOL
LMFAOOOOOOOOO!!!!
except that’s exactly what it is. she didn’t know him. Her name’s Greta Zimmer. The NY Post interviewed her this. year. “She isn’t sure how long she was standing there; maybe minutes. “And then I was grabbed,” she says. “That man was very strong. I wasn’t kissing him. He was kissing me.” Just as suddenly, he let her go. George stumbled off towards the subway, Rita [his girlfriend] trailing behind, and Greta walked back to her office. George and Rita never discussed the kiss, nor did Greta tell anyone what had happened to her.
Her husband, now deceased, noticed something else: The odd angle of the woman’s left thumb. According to Verria [co-author of The Kissing Sailor], Greta’s husband said, “You know, when you get very tense, your arm stiffens up and your thumb sticks out just like that.” ”
you’re allowed to tell people not to hug you, not to hold your hand, not to kiss your cheek, not to play with your hair, not to put their hands on you in any way without your permission. you’re allowed to be uncomfortable with these kinds of touching, to tell people that, and to have those boundaries respected. just because a touch isn’t sexual doesn’t mean that you’re not allowed to have a problem with it.
you’re allowed to create boundaries about what happens with your body and what other people do with it, regardless of those people’s motivations or their relationship to you. it isn’t only sexual touching people need your consent for and it isn’t only sexual touching that you’re allowed to revoke your consent for. people should not be touching you when you don’t want them to no matter what kind of touching it is.
on a similar thread, this is also what people mean when we talk about teaching children about consent. We dont mean teaching children too young to know about or understand sex, about sexual consent and the nuances of it. We mean teaching them these same things above.
They can refuse hugs. They can refuse any touching they dont want from anyone, and so can other people. This, as well as teaching them to tell adults about touches they dont like, and to never keep secrets about their bodies (such as someone touching them inappropriately but telling them they have to keep it secret) from grown ups they trust, helps protect them from sexual abuse and plants the seeds of recognizing and respecting boundaries, and demanding their own boundaries be respected, early on.
So yeah. Women have this in the back of their minds when sexually harassed or approached by a creep. That any man who they reject could turn violent and kill them. So maybe its time to have a conversation about misogyny and the entitlement men have toward women.
How anyone can look at an incident of sexual harassment in school culminating in violent retribution and not see an everyday danger in something that literally happens every day is just mind-blowing.
Because we can’t admit women have legitimate reasons to be wary of men because that’s mean and hurts men’s feelings.
there’s a thread or two on twitter of women being killed for rejecting men… when the woman first said she would start it, men called her all kinds of a liar. and then as she added to it every day, they started the name-calling, threats, etc.
i say all this to say i do not believe for one second that men don’t know this is a real problem. they just don’t want us discussing it and compiling the information.
it’s just like how the NRA keeps pushing the “lone wolf” and “isolated incident” narrative. it’s just like how the cops keep pushing “isolated incident”. They know it’s a lie.
wupacing 