omg @redartpanda sent me a prompt about Foggy meeting Daredevil and instantly recognizing his voice because Matt’s bad at what he does, which made me lol forever. Also, this one’s almost a real drabble because my self-preservation instincts are starting to kick in. <33
Matt gets a little bit caught up in beating the guy up, because it’s Foggy who had a gun in his face, and Matt feels the closest thing he’s felt to out of control in awhile. He doesn’t realize that he’s talking until he’s talking, and the guy’s nodding helplessly and curled up on the ground beneath him and Foggy’s saying, “Okay, dude, thanks and all, but mugging me is not an offense punishable by death. Really, all he was going to get out of my wallet was, like, three dollars and a condom that is definitely expired, he’s suffered enough.”
Matt takes a deep breath and lets the guy go.
“Call the police,” he says, “then get home safe.”
Foggy goes still and quiet for a long moment before his heart starts racing even more than it did when he was getting mugged.
“Matt?”
Matt freezes.
“…no,” he says.
“No?” Foggy asks. “That’s what you’re going with? No? You think I don’t know your voice?”
Matt opens his mouth to say something, then, thinking better of it, flips backwards to jump off a dumpster and head up the fire escape. Below him, Foggy yells, “I know where you live. I have the spare key! How the hell did you just do that!”
OKAY LIKE I KNOW YOU ARE AWASH IN A SEA OF PROMPTS AND THERE’S ONLY SO MUCH WORDING YOU CAN DO BUT I WANT ALL THE WORDS FOR THIS THIS THIS
There most be some fangirls in Gotham ship Bruce Wayne/Batman.
I’m imagining the fanfic, and it is filling me with glee! “The billionaire playboy shrank back a little from the vigilante. ‘W-what are you doing?’ He couldn’t help noticing his heartbeat had picked up. Batman looked back at him, his gaze expressionless. ‘I’m here to save your life, Mr. Wayne.’”
Bruce probably started the trend.
“Where did this ship even COME FROM?”
“IDK, someone wrote a really popular fic about it two years ago and everyone got on board.”
“Yeah, wasn’t his username grandfatherclock or something like that…”
No, see, this is brilliant because it actually works, because their “personalities” are so opposite that this ship would really appeal. “You need to lighten up, Batman.” “You need to take things more seriously, Mr Wayne.” “When was the last time you had any fun?” “When was the last time you did anything else?”
3hr long arguments about whether the best way to reform Gotham is through the Wayne Foundation charities and rebuilding initiatives or taking down the mobs and crime families that secretly run the city.
At the end, Bruce uses his rich-boy skills to take down a few henchmen – “What, you think I’ve never swung a golf club before?” – and Batman lets himself reluctantly be convinced to go out for ice cream.
(They’ve headcanoned Batman as blond to fit the necessary slash pairing requirements)
The comments are all, “OMG, have you ever noticed how Batman always intervenes when something shady goes down with the Wayne Foundation? I mean, not that it’s like, out of character, foil Penguin’s plot to block a low-income housing proposal so he can put up another casino there, or whatever, he does that for everyone, but have you noticed that he’s involved every time it’s Wayne Foundation? OMG THEY ARE DATING IN REAL LIFE THIS IS TOTALLY CANON!”
It’s the most popular Real Person ship in Gotham.
(Robin: “You know like, half the internet is shipping you with yourself.” Bruce: “I am large, Tim. I contain multitudes.” smirk.)
I made the mistake of reading Venom fluff before I went to bed last night and it resulted in a full night of half-formed Symbrock dreams.
The only one I remember involved Venom trying to woo Eddie? But then something happens and Venom is not with Eddie anymore, so Eddie is frantically searching everywhere for him. He crashes Anne’s wedding dress shopping with Dan and is like, “Is he with you??? IS HE WITH YOU?” and, before anyone can say anything or stop him, emphatically kisses her again in an attempt to get his symbiote back because it worked last time, but ofc Venom is not with her, so Eddie just made a very titillating scene for the shop attendants, who are looking at Dan like are you gonna do something about this? But Dan just looks CONCERNED.
When Eddie realizes there is no Venom, he just looks utterly disappointed, which is kind of a relief for Anne. That is, until Eddie turns to Dan and looks at him very suspiciously and starts to step toward him, because then Anne has to get between them, all, “EDDIE, DON’T YOU DARE.”
My favorite thing ever is how Ron just sent Charlie a random letter like “hey yo there’s an illegal dragon at hogwarts, could you come and smuggle it out of here, please?” and Charlie was just like “yeah sure, I’ll trespass into the castle and steal a dangerous magical creature, of course, lemme just hit up my friends”
It’s better if you imagine Charlie and co as a group of Grad Students trying to avoid their other responsibilities.
Charlie is drunkenly revising the third draft of his thesis on proper care and feeding of greenhorns when his family owl slams into the window.
Three of his friends jump and look around. Glinda doesn’t raise her head from her folded arms; only groans, “Is that Baines coming to do me in?”
Charlie totters to the window and fetches Errol from the window pane. “No such luck,” he says. “You’re still going to have to take the exam.” After some consideration, Charlie lays him on a clear patch of floor to recover. “Do owls take firewhiskey?” he asks the room at large.
“It’s not fair,” Glinda wails into the tabletop. “I swear he didn’t say anything about Bridgewort’s handling practices when we did the review in class.”
“Oh, Merlin,” says Ali, freezing over their notes like a Medusa wyvern had bitten them. “Oh, Merlin’s sweet saggy socks. Is he covering Bridgewort?”
“That’s what he said when I went to his office hours.” Glinda sits up. “You know his lapdragon singed my new sweater?!”
Charlie decides not to give Errol a nip of whiskey. Flying under the influence is really not done. He unties the letter from Errol’s leg. Ron’s childish spiky handwriting spells out Charlie’s name on the front. Inside is a hastily scrawled message.
“Yes, we know it ruined your sweater,” snaps Ysabelle. “You told us twenty times. Why didn’t you tell us Baines told you we’re going to be tested on Bridgewort?”
“I meant to,” says Glinda. “Sorry.” She flicks her pile of notes. “I was lost in the miasma of gloom and desperation.”
Ali puts their head back and groans. “I’m gonna die. I’m gonna say ‘fuck it’ and just fucking walk into a dragon’s mouth so I don’t have to do this.”
“Hey,” says Charlie. They don’t hear him.
“How much is this worth again?” Glinda asks her bottle of butterbeer.
“Twenty-five percent,” Ali and Ysabelle chorus. Ysabelle adds, “and the thesis is fifty percent of our total grade.”
“Hey!” Charlie repeats. They look at him. He waves Ron’s letter. “My littlest brother at Hogwarts has an illegal dragon he needs to get off campus. Anybody up for a midnight flight?”
Ali slams their hands down on the table and stands up. “Fuck yes,” they say decisively. “Maybe I’ll fly into the Whomping Willow and die a quick death.”
lasf;klaslk;f YEAH (also fuck yeah i’m including both jarvis and friday in on this they’re brother and sister i refuse to give up either)
Supposedly, Justin Hammer released the footage to make sure that the Avengers’ public image was ruined. You know, the usual stuff. See someone in their underwear, cursing, occasionally crying and eating yogurt on the floor at two in the morning.
What Hammer never expected was everyone to be laughing their asses off because Tony Stark doesn’t even mean to be funny, he just stares into his camera like he’s at the office.
Stark cameras are always equipped with a clear image, audio, and the ability to zoom. Since Jarvis and Friday think they’re hilarious, they have full control of the perspectives capture. Jarvis is usually the one who takes care of the serious things, but Friday likes adding zoom and special swivel effects, because she’s the punk kid.
So the public gets compilations of “Tony Stark Wanting to Die But It’s Ten Minutes Long.”
It starts with the first roll of footage. Clint asks if you could eat the beans they put into Beanie Babies.
Tony looks straight into the camera, face entirely dead.
The next instance is when Bucky and Natasha are having a fight, there are knives involved, and one grazes past Tony and creates a hole in his shirt. He just looks over at it, and then looks directly into the camera.
“What the fuck,” he says.
And then, they’re having a meeting about how Steve nearly died, and Steve says it wasn’t that bad, he just leaped from a plane that was in the fucking air, no big deal there, and Tony just blinks, slowly swivels, and looks dead in the camera.
“I want to die.”
“Tony! We’ve talked about you!” Bucky yells. “You can’t say shit like that to the camera, what if whoever is watching thinks you’re serious?!”
“If the footage gets released then millennials are gonna see it, and they relate to me,” Tony says. “The Spidey-kid says it all the time.”
“Shouldn’t you get him help?”
“Nah, he said eating Tide Pods was a joke, and now that’s passed. So I think he’s okay, I talked with his aunt about it.”
The footage then cuts to Clint and Bruce doing some sort of dance game on a motherfucking Wii, who let that into his house, and Clint made Bruce dance to “When I Grow Up” by the Pussycat Dolls, and he just walks away slowly.
“I wish I couldn’t see, I wish I couldn’t see, I wish I couldn’t see.”
The public’s view of Iron Man goes up by fifty percent. It’s awesome.
This is the MCU we deserved
The Steve Rogers ‘goddamn fucking republicans’ compliation
The Natasha Romanoff ‘fuck if I know shrug’ compliation
The Clint Barton ‘omg someone get this guy a guide-adult’ compliation
The Bruce Banner ‘ten times the Hulk almost joined a conversation’ compliation
The Thor ‘obvious delight at being introduced to new Midgardian things’ compilation
The Bucky Barnes ‘damnit, Steve!’ compilation
The Sam Wilson ‘facepalm’ compilation
Peter helps FRIDAY and JARVIS make the compilations.
To help with the whole ‘secret identity’ thing, the heroes of Gotham will absolutely wear someone else’s costume to cover for them while out sick/injured or just plain out of the city. This has led to hilariously wild and conflicting images for each of the heroes. Is it gonna be growl-y Batman or the Batman willing to finish a conversation? Extra flippy Nightwing or the Nightwing with a killer roundhouse kick? Maybe you’ll get the Red Robin who offers way too many statistics as a criminal or the eerily silent Red Robin who people swear up and down is a girl, either way this RR is going to body slam a criminal into a wall. Or perhaps the super short but no less deadly Red Hood’ll pop up.
No one knows which version of a mask they are going to get and that is just incredibly stressful for Gotham’s underbelly.
I love the suit-sharing idea so much and it’s given me so many ideas.
-the most popular first choice for a replacement is Cass because everyone knows she’ll make them look super awesome.
-When Cass got sick everyone wanted to be Black Bat, but she named Harper as her successor. Bruce was like “Cassandra honey Black Bat can’t have blue hair for one night, there needs to be a bit of consistency,” so Cass went ahead and dyed her hair blue as well and Bruce almost had a heart attack.
-Once Dick was Red Hood and wasn’t used to the helmet’s more restricted visibility, and he somersaulted straight into wall. Tim found footage of it in a security camera, and the batkids have regular viewings of it in Wayne Manor’s theatre. Dick is on a mission to destroy every copy of the video.
-Bruce would be more open to the idea of his kids being Batman for a night if they didn’t have so much fun with it. They always do horrible over-the-top impersonations of his Batman voice. “Dick I swear to God,” “SWEAR TO ME!!!” He’s tried locking up his suits but just has so many of them, there’s always a spare somewhere in the cave.
-Damian hates the idea of someone else being Robin and won’t turn over his costume, but it’s no use because Dick, Jason, Tim, Steph and Duke already have their own old Robin costumes so anyone can just ask to borrow theirs.
-The batkids start betting their costumes on games nights. Dick is, of course, the reigning champion at Twister, and a standing rule is that if anyone can beat him they can be Nightwing for a month.
-For ages Barbara and Alfred politely refused to join in the costume swapping, but then one night, without any warning, Dick called Oracle and Alfred picked up.
-Some nights, because there was a lot of betting the day before, or just because some kids are lazy and pick up the nearest costume, everyone somehow ends up with someone else’s costume, and the coms is hell. “Red Robin.” “Yes?” “No Tim I mean the Red Robin tonight.” “Oh, yes that’s me?” “Steph I thought you were Nightwing.” “Nope that’s Damian.” “Then where the hell is Duke.” “I’m Red Hood dude, I’ve literally been patrolling with you the whole night.” “What, I thought that was Harper.” “No I’m Batgirl.” “What, I thought that was Jason???” “Only codenames on the coms, everyone.” “Bruce why would you want this to be more complicated.”
– “Damian you little shit.” “Brown you said very clearly that I could choose tonight’s Batgirl.” “I am not being replaced by Bat-Cow.”
favorite thing about tolkien fans is how y’all are like “now this idea would’ve had the old professor tolkien absolutely foaming at the mouth in rage ….. which is exactly why i have written 200k words of it and made art for it and firmly hold it as canon”
y’alls tags only further convince me of this
a few more honorable mentions for your viewing pleasure
The Riddler hijacks the local TV airwaves and appears onscreen holding a comically long roll of paper. After dramatically clearing his throat, he proceeds to read from it.
“The following is a list of people who can suck it. Number One: The Joker. I don’t think I need to explain that one. Number Two: Cluemaster. Fuck you, you stole my bit, and I will be like a plague unto your house. Number Three: King Tut. You also stole my bit, but did it while killing people and got me arrested for murder. Also, I’m, like, 93% sure you’re a white guy and your costume is racist.
“Number Four: The Scarecrow. I know you ate my leftover Chinese, Jon, even though I wrote my name on it. I was saving that for lunch. I had to eat a goddamn peanut butter and jelly sandwich like a five-year-old. It was all you had in the hideout. For fuck’s sake, go shopping, not all of us can live like a bridge troll.
“Number Five: The Penguin. You- No, no, wait, wait… That one should be crossed out. He replaced that and apologized. Never mind, Oswald, you’re fine. Drinks at 7:00 tomorrow, right?
“Anyway, where was…? Ah, yes. Number Six: The Mad Hatter. You carded me and left me like that for six hours because I, and I quote, ‘would not stop talking about Mythbusters.’ Well, excuse me for trying to make intellectually stimulating conversation on a level you could understand. I suppose every time you prattle on about mome raths and borogoves it’s goddamn Shakespeare? Well… Well, it’s Carroll, but… Oh, you know what I mean!
“Number Seven: Catwoman. You left me hanging by one hand from a ledge five stories up and holding a twenty-pound bag of jewels and very pointy
objets d’art while you ‘distracted’ the Dark Knight. I know you were making out with him, Selina. You were gone for fifteen minutes. My shoulder almost dislocated. Very unprofessional.
“Number Eight: Kite Man.”
Here the Riddler pauses, lifting his narrowed gaze to glare at the camera, voice dropping to an ominous tone.
“You know what you did…”
His demeanor shifts quickly, and he’s back to reading from his list almost cheerfully.
“Number Nine! Th-”
He’s interrupted by a crashing noise in the background and looks over his shoulder just an instant before a deep voice angrily growls, “Riddler!”
“Oh, for the love of-” He turns to glare at the camera, speaking quickly. “Number Nine: Batman! Interrupting me while I’m on television making very important- Hm-mmph!”
He’s reduced to muffled curses as a black gloved hand covers his mouth and pulls him out of frame. The camera tilts, a cracking noise is heard, and the broadcast turns to static.
KITE MAN’S CRIMES WERE NUMEROUS AND TERRIBLE
If I were batman I’d give him like a five minute warning, because this actually sounds theraputic.
Batman: Riddler, you’ve hijacked the TV airwaves and you know that’s wrong but I think this is actually theraputic. So I’m giving you five minutes, and then I’m taking you to Arkham
Robin: Geez get a facebook account for this crap, hell if you wanna vent to millions of strangers just get youtube.
“RIDDLER YOU CAN’T JUST GO ON TV AND SCREAM AT PEOPLE
THAT’S WHAT YOUTUBE IS FOR”
Riddler takes this advice. He gets his own youtube channel called RiddleMe_Th15. It starts out as being purely therapeutic, a platform for publically calling out those who have annoyed him. Then someone leaves him a pathetically easy riddle to solve in the comments, and he spends his next segment ranting about it, and then posing a better one.
This starts a dialogue with a number of other youtube users who both attempt to answer his riddles and pose their own riddles in return.
Riddler has found his people, and his hit count is climbing.
Seriously, Riddler would KILL IT (metaphorically speaking) on YouTube. He just does those weird animated puzzle videos where he poses lengthy, overly complicated puzzles, game theories, and riddles, then gives away…fuck I don’t know…Amazon or iTunes cards to whoever gets them right.
“Riddle me this: How can I ensure there are more videos like this one? The answer, my little quest solvers, is simple: Like and subscribe, and consider donating to my Patreon! Which isn’t much of a Riddle, but seriously I’m down to eating crackers and ramen right now and YouTube keeps demonetizing my videos because I used to be a supervillain.”
Bringing this back because “YouTube keeps demonetizing my videos because I used to be a supervillain” has to be shared and because I have some followers who have not experienced The Riddler Post.
Seriously, if you ever need a good time, just read all the responses in the notes. This post still ranks as one of the best things I’ve ever done.
Batman sees all of this and donates a substantial amount. He still can’t believe YouTube was the answer all along.
This is especially true with BTAS Riddler.
“Riddle me this… who’s the biggest asshole in games development this side of Ubisoft? It’s Daniel Mockridge who screwed the dev team, myself included, out of our royalties for Riddle of the Minotaur-”
Two days later Jim Sterling is calling Mockridge out, there’s a gofundme for the other people on the dev team, and Nigma’s halfway to funding the spiritual sequel on Kickstarter.
“Okay, more backer questions… Puzzlemaster323 sent says “Riddle Me This, will there be VR support.”, and I say of course there is! Ten years ago I trapped Batman and Robin a VR version of the first game and I threw that rig together in two months. We’ve worked out the motion sickness problems for 90% of users and the game will not kill you for real if you die in the game, but hardcore players can set it to give them a harmless jolt if they’re into that kind of thing.”
The Scarecrow: “I *did* eat his leftover Chinese. It’s messed up that he knows.”
wupacing 