my problem with the ‘harry becomes lord of 2/¾/5 ancient noble houses’ trope is so unbelievably petty because its that fic writers don’t take it to the potential extreme. like, okay, you wanna make harry the bossest of bitches i get that, i understand, i have that urge too from time to time, but c’mon, be a little more creative about it please
so how about a fic where harry goes to gringotts after the fighting is all over to try to make peace with the goblin nation because this boy does not need more problems and after much hostility and some groveling and promises of future payments for damages caused a plucky goblin lass comes and shuffles harry into her tiny cube office to discuss the nature of his financial situation
(this is a grave insult among goblins. getting handled by a female, first of all, because they are supposedly less capable bankers, hello misogyny among other species, and because they consider anyone who needs help with his money to be lower than cave scum. harry doesn’t know about his. and if he did, he wouldn’t care because he does, desperately, need help)
and plucky goblin lass (who we will call PGL for short) brings out this MASSIVE tome of parchment and slams it down on her desk. a cloud of dust rises. harry sneezes and gets a terrible feeling. some of the parchment is mildewing. the stack is taller than his hand is wide. this can only end badly
PGL tells him that he’ll need to read the entire book to fully comprehend the new scope of his property and harry kind of weakly says “what??”
and it turns out that heyo, when the death eaters swore to follow voldemort with all their lives and souls and magic in their little racist hearts they actually swore a modified liege lord oath which also has the coincidental side effect of ceding all titles (and property connected to said titles) held to the lord in question too. haha how funny who knew
and that’s an ongoing thing. so voldemort was the de facto head of two dozen magical houses at the beginning of the war and he just picked up more as he gained more followers and he probably could have just voted himself and his crew into every position of the government and run the country like that if he cared to do it but voldemort was not about dat political life. he wanted change and he wanted it now. he wanted to MAKE AMERICA MAGICAL BRITAIN GREAT AGAIN. so he started a civil war and just never informed his loyal death eaters of that little fact because they didn’t need to know.
and you might think that gringotts vaults are tied into bloodlines but they’re really not. the malfoy family vault belongs to whoever is the current head of the malfoy family. normally, that’s a malfoy and his malfoy spawn becomes the next head and so it passes through the family, accumulating inherited wealth. it was a working system until voldemort got involved and exploited the ever-living hell out of it.
now this all becomes harry’s problem because it turns out that Right of Conquest is an actual thing. what was voldemort’s is now his and voldemort has has the time to accumulate A Metric Fuck Ton of stuff.
also connected to titles are votes in the wizengamot. and whoo boy, this is where harry’s problem becomes really really really problematic. because the noble families squabble over those votes like children, hoarding them and passing them down, occasionally trading them for advantageous marriages and such, but mostly jealously guarding them like the politcal gold they are. it’s such a bitterly tight-fisted market that any one family has ~maybe~ three or four votes.
and now harry bloody potter has a hundred of the things and a completely unintentional stranglehold on the government. whoops
and then hermione would shotput harry straight into the
wizengamot
against his protests and things would become so hilarious i just
some jerkass attempts to increase his own salary for doing basically nothing
“how about no,” harry and his hundred votes say.
somebody attempts to tighten restrictions on where magical creatures like vampires and werewolves can work
“how about no.” harry crosses his arms. “actually, how about we repeal those bullshit laws already in place that make it almost impossible for werewolves to get a job right now, hmmmm? and how about we put something in place to catch abusive owners of house elves? and make sure they get paid? and vacation days? and healthcare? actually how about we get healthcare for EVERYBODY HOW ABOUT T H A T?”
ten generations of purebloods cry out in horror. look upon him ye mighty and despair.
the years after voldemort’s defeat don’t go down in history as The Golden Era. in fact, thanks to harry bloody potter (and some incessant nudging by hermione granger), they go down as The Decade of Frankly Astonishing Strides Toward Equality *cough* enforced by a semi-plutocracy.
(all thanks to a third tier plot never really explored by a would-be dictator YOU’RE ALL WELCOME)
Fanfiction on ao3: Free, isn’t affaid TO JUST USE THE WORD ‘COCK’ FFS
“His genitals, his privates, his hot length, his trobing rod, his magic meat stick-”
Me, in tears: Just say cock
published erotica: the parts that aren’t purple prose about vanilla sex are occupied by dithering and made up problems
fanfiction on ao3: the parts that aren’t sharp, clear prose about scorching kinky sex are occupied by tightly plotted suspense and slam-bang action
published erotica: not interested in the 99% of the market that’s heterosexual? that’s fine, we also have tender white middle class lesbians and slutty white middle class gay men!
fanfiction on ao3: one trans partner? both partners trans? genderswaps? how about a loving long-term threesome that does heist capers? we’ve got non-gendered angels, hermaphroditic aliens – some of whom lay eggs, if you’re into that – oh, and have i mentioned the robots –
published erotica: there, i put in a vampire, i’m such a genre rebel
fanfiction on ao3: i sent the avengers to hogwarts with the winchester brothers, i fear nothing on earth or heaven and only one thing in hell which is that my laptop will overheat in the fires of abaddon so i’ll have to write the sequel longhand
Sorry, I’m not up to date on the details of Star Wars outside the movies, but was R2-D2, like, Leia’s droid between the Prequels and the Original Trilogy? Whatever the case, I think I might need it to happen in a crack fic.
Because I’ve suddenly imagined R2-D2 accompanying Leia to her Senate meetings. In reality, it would probably be very dangerous for R2 and Leia. But I think it would be perfect for a crack fic.
Like, just imagine if Leia and R2 are just strolling around the halls of the Senate, with Leia ranting to R2 about something or other. And then bump into an older Senator by accident. And at first it’s all pleasantries and apologies, but then the older Senator takes one look at R2, turns a color that is not a good color for their people to turn, and then says in utter horror, “IT’S YOU!”
Because surely there must be older Senators out there from before the Empire, who remember that horrible little nightmare droid who tailed those awful Jedi around and occasionally Senator Amidala. (Like, there must be people out there who witnessed R2 blow up a building or even straight-up kill someone.)
And Leia’s like, “What? You know my droid?”
And the Senator’s got a hand over their heart, both to soothe themselves and a little protectively, and says, “My dear, I couldn’t forget that thing if I was dead. That’s the little bastard who set me on fire! Granted, it was an accident and it saved Senator Amidala’s life again, but still. She was far too fond of it! That and that debonair Jedi it belonged to!”
And Leia lights up immediately because oho, this is interesting. Meanwhile R2 is basically swearing up a storm trying to push her away. And the Senator has an expression on their face like, “Oh, damn, I shouldn’t have said that.”
Anyway, Leia accidentally figures out who her parents were because R2 is a memorable asshole that old politicians still see in their nightmares.
I want either that crack fic or an even crackier fic that goes like this:
Darth Vader: *walking down a hall in the Senate building, annoyed af that the Emperor is making him be here to intimidate people for some vote or another, scrolling clickbait quizzes or ship commercials on his datapad*
The sound of something clattering comes from ahead. Darth Vader looks up and sees a droid getting kicked out of a conference room, beeping explicitly and indignantly over just being lost, at the far end of the hall. The droid looks down the hall at Darth Vader. It’s unmistakably R2-D2.
Darth Vader: “…”
R2-D2: “…”
R2: *backs up one inch*
Vader: *takes one step forward*
R2: *SCREAMS*
R2-D2 whirls around immediately and flees around the corner. Vader is too surprised to immediately stop his old droid, but drops the datapad and books it after him (as much as DV can book it). What proceeds is probably a Star Wars version of the Benny Hill chase between R2-D2 and Darth Vader.
It ends in R2, covered in soot and scratches, barely managing to get away after causing enormous amounts of mayhem and property damage.
Leia: “There you are! Artoo, where have you been?”
Peter Parker: -on meeting Loki, offers his hand- Hi, I’m Peter!
Loki: -shakes his hand- Loki of Asgard.
Peter: Aren’t you like…a bad guy?
Loki: It varies from moment to moment.
Peter: So like…on a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst evil imaginable, like…killing puppies, and one being I’ll spit on your hotdog…where are you right now?
Loki: …maybe a three?
Peter: Cool. Lemme know if it gets above a six.
Loki: -thinking- I like him.
It had been a joke, a flippant line, but somehow, Loki found himself taking the youth up on it.
It was hard living around these heroic Avengers, hard trying to stay close to Thor. And when he felt his need for mischief rise too high, when he felt exasperation with these Midgardians turn too close to spite, he would casually say “Six.” to the young man, or sometimes “Seven.”
And Peter would spend the rest of his day with Loki. He would badger him with questions about magic, or drag him across his beloved city to see its entertainments, or take him along stopping petty crimes. He grounded Loki to the here and now, and distracted him from the churning, jagged shards of ice in his mind.
WE NEED LOKI AND PETER FICS
Stark’s brat had a system. It had been amusing, at first glance, especially when “killing puppies” was apparently a higher level of evil than trying to take over the world. It had risen and fallen – two, five, one. There were honestly good days.
It took some time before a truly bad day came up.
After a difficult battle, the Captain was being particularly sanctimonious, his team following suit. Even Stark made biting comments.
Loki could scream.
“Spider-man,” he said as calmly as he could. The young man glanced up, having been tying up some of their enemies a few yards away.
“Seven.”
“… okay, guys, I’m going to head out with Loki for the rest of the day. Don’t need us for debrief, yeah?”
“Sure,” Stark shrugged, glancing between the two of them oddly. Loki wasn’t entirely sure what the plan was. They went in civilian clothes to a small café.
“I wasn’t paying attention, so whatever was said, I don’t agree,” Peter began. “But that’s not what I’m here for. So. When you teleport, how does that work? Is it harder with longer distances? Or is knowledge of the place more helpful?” Loki blinked, but explained. It led to a discussion of magical theory. Peter (Loki still called him Parker aloud, but the child and even his young friends grew on him in time) was eager and curious, comparing what he knew from Strange and fantasy books to Loki’s knowledge. It was admittedly fascinating to see how many versions of sorcery humans had created by mere imagination. He was definitely amused by the elves and dwarves of Lord of the Rings.
Sometimes Peter tentatively asked about Strange and Maximoff, if they were doing similar things. Never if Loki was at an 8 or above though.
“Strange is like a child prodigy. He’s good, picks the practical parts up well. He even got the jump on me – but he has not had as much time to study as me. He’s a student where I am a master. Maximoff is incredibly powerful and incredibly lucky, but she does not have much training at all.” Sometimes conversation turned to music, animals, current events.
Peter was good. It was odd, how Loki became so sure of the fact so quickly.
After the conversations, often accompanied with food or a walk, he was always down to a 3 or so. Which made Peter an important person.
So the next time Peter was in trouble and the Avengers were indisposed, Loki was not the least bit surprised that he was not the only one ready to tear someone apart for the kid. Two men in red – one with horns, one with guns and swords – a young girl with cat-shaped blasters on her hands, and the Captain’s assassin friend. Loki curled his lips and muttered:
“For anyone that harms you? 10.”
IT GOT MORE SINCE THE LAST TIME I SAW IT AND IM IN LOVE
also, the fact we get Daredevil, Deadpool, Shuri, and James teaming up with Loki to protect Peter? I AM HERE FOR ALL THIS HELLS YES
(I thought I didn’t have anything to add but I do)
It was just after noon on a Saturday when Loki got a text from Peter, all it said was
‘8, I’m at home′
Peter had never used their number system for himself before.
Loki had promised the boy’s aunt he would not teleport into their home and while he’d had every intention of honouring that promise, this was definitely an exception.
When Loki materialized in Peter’s room, his friend was pacing, angry and red-faced. Loki had never seen Peter furious before.
Peter began shouting when he saw Loki, ‘Men are scum! Irredeemable, horrible, crappy, scummy scum!’
‘Thank you for telling me, Peter.’ Loki said, sitting down on Peter’s bed. ‘Any particular men inspiring this diatribe?’
Peter grabbed a pillow off his bed and screamed into it, ‘There’s a guy at Aunt May’s work who’s harassing her and she says I need to stay out of it and let Human Resources do their jobs and he’s a creep and he’s making May feel creeped out and… I don’t know what to do.’
Loki blinked. Of all the people Peter could have gone to, he had chose Loki.
‘Thank you, for telling me this. Although I’m not sure how I can be of help.’
Peter flopped down onto the bed next to Loki, ‘You’re my friend and you’re an adult. And I wasn’t sure who else to talk to.’
Loki flopped back next to Peter, it seemed appropriate. ‘If Human Resources doesn’t sort this out to your satisfaction, I can turn this person into a goat.’
Let’s be honest – we all forget to leave a comment sometimes. We don’t always go out of our way to click the “come talk to me on tumblr” link on AO3 to scream about the fic in the author’s inbox. On August 21st I encourage you to take a moment and show fanfic writers that you appreciate them!
How can you do it?
leave a comment and kudos on every fic you finish reading. Doesn’t matter how short. Doesn’t matter if you’re just repeating what other people have already said. Just be kind! Keysmashing, Caps Lock, and live commenting appreciated! (Bonus points if you leave a comment on every chapter)
floaty review box for ao3 (super useful for commenting as you read + it has a ‘review tips’ button if you feel stuck)
reblog ficlets, drabbles, fics, fic rec posts, etc. Put a nice comment in the tags. Remember that likes, while appreciated, don’t give the writer any exposure, meaning the posts don’t reach more people
go to your local fanfic writer’s inbox and talk to them about their fic of your choice. Let them know how long ago you’ve read it and what story point/sentence/scene still makes you smile when you think about it
send thank you messages to fic writers. In a world where you have to pay for almost everything, they’re supplying you with countless hours of free entertainment. It can get quite lonely without getting messages acknowledging the hours they spend writing stories – let them know their time and effort is appreciated
make fic rec posts and @ the authors whose fics you’re recommending! (believe me, fic writers love to see their stories in these posts)
create something inspired by a fic! You can draw fanart, make a moodboard or aesthetic post, or even write a song for the fic you love. Whether you’re a beginner or a pro doesn’t matter – the thought alone is what counts more than anything ❤
buy the writer a coffee if they have a ko-fi page and you have some change lying around c: Caffeine keeps most fic writers awake when they struggle with a particularly slow draft or a difficult scene. More coffee, more content.
These are only some ideas out of the sea of possible ways to appreciate fanfic writers. On August 21st show the writers in your fandom(s) some love ❤
We start with a slow pan down to Gotham as Oracle narrates
“Ask your average person who Gotham’s most famous citizen is, and you’ll get the same response every time: Bruce Wayne. Everybody’s heard of Bruce Wayne. You’ve probably heard his name a million times before. But there are some things that the average citizen doesn’t know about him. See, to the people of Gotham, Bruce Wayne is a rich kid who never grew up. They think he’s a buffoon, an airhead, a moron. But the truth is…”
*Batman bursts out of a window, screaming, on fire*
*record scratch, freeze frame*
“…they aren’t entirely wrong about that.”
EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE
This is then followed by a series of clips from interviews with various Gotham citizens, all of whom give humorously ironic descriptions of Bruce Wayne’s idiocy:
“Bruce Wayne? I hear the guy gets through a super-car every month! Replaces every one, just like that!”
*Cut to shot of the Batmobile flipping end-over-end after slamming into one of Bane’s APCs*
“Wayne? Please! The guy would probably have accidentally killed himself years ago if he didn’t have that butler to babysit him!”
*Cut to Alfred physically restraining Bruce from going out to fight Scarecrow while having a broken arm, a concussion, and the flu,*
“I bet he throws away cash like it grows on trees!”
*Cut to Batman shouting “Hey, Lucius! Ask R&D to make some kryptonite/Nth metal alloy baterangs! Y’know, just in case!”
“I’m almost jealous. Super rich and he gets to hang out with gorgeous women across the world? Sign me up!”
*Cut to Bruce being slammed face first into a wall repeatedly by Lady Shiva.*
I just had a scene for my POA AU “because he strayed across the path” (x) come into my head. See, there’s an earlier scene during Gryffindor Quidditch practice where Oliver Wood quickly switches to fudge instead of fuck because Harry is standing next to him.
(Except Harry is thirteen and his best friend is Ron Weasley, so this was kind of unnecessary. The older sibling in me will probably always find adults / older teenagers trying like heck not to swear around the littlies who definitely know the swear words absolutely hilarious.)
So, now, I need a scene where Oliver actually swears and then immediately cuts himself off because he’s remembered Harry. Only, for some reason or another, Harry gets annoyed or feels that they’re babying him.
“I’ve heard the word fuck before,” Harry muttered.
Silence fell over the team.
Then Fred Weasley gasped dramatically and whirled on Oliver with his hands on his hips. “Oliver Wood,” he said, in a voice so uncannily like his mother that even George, who had also put his hands on his hips, seemed unnerved. “How dare you corrupt this innocent boy!”
Harry didn’t know if Oliver had met Molly Weasley before, but Oliver looked appropriately bewildered. “I didn’t… er… Hang on a minute, you-”
“You’re supposed to be setting an example!” Fred cried.
“I am!” Oliver insisted hotly.
“You’re an example of something, alright. Not sure if it’s good,” Alicia mumbled to Katie, who giggled.
Oliver looked desperately to his vice-captain for assistance, but Angelina only shook her head at him in great shame. She was too solemn to possibly be doing anything but pulling his leg.
Newt Scamander is not just a magizoologist, he’s an inventor. I mean, look at that suitcase. Those charms? The habitats? This from a guy who got expelled from Hogwarts, come on. He didn’t copy them out a book, he made them up on the fly, probably with a griffon nipping impatiently at his shoulder and yes I know beautiful, you need your mountain just give me a sec a mountain is a difficult thing to fit in a suitcase and he keeps coming back because I found a way to grow actual real trees without any soil, your mountain looks better with trees and what do you think of this new weather charm, do you like it? Oh no that’s a no, hang on let me rework it and try again and everything he does has to be invented because no one has ever thought to do it before.
But it’s all for his creatures. All of it. He pours his heart and soul into their habitats and their diets – their diets! Did you know that he spins the mooncalf pellets out of pure magic and cocoa powder? He doesn’t know if it has to be cocoa powder, but that’s what he had on hand at the time and so that’s what he used to create the spell. He moves heaven and earth to defy the impossible because he never stops to consider that he can’t, and in his suitcase he creates entire worlds for his rescued strays.
One of his rescued strays is a dragonet with great tears through the membrane of its wings. They won’t heal – they were made with acid, they’ve scarred over. The dragonet lives in a permanent state of panic, trapped on the ground with legs too weak to carry it to safety, and it flaps its wings in a futile attempt to escape whenever Newt gets close.
So he builds it new wings.
Individual copper scales mould to the arms of its existing wings, each one carefully charmed to flex and move like real scales, and between them, a living metal membrane – he melted it and trapped it in the stage halfway between liquid and solid, and when the dragonet stretches out its wings the new membrane flows and glints in the sun as it takes flight. Newt laughs and waves and watches it go; he’ll stick around to make sure it works, but the metal should grow as the dragonet grows, and he anchored it to the creature’s own magic rather than his own so there’s no chance of the spell running out. He’s happy to let the dragonet run free with its new metal wings.
He turns his attention instead to a fwooper, one whose voice box has been removed with a crude vanishing charm. The fwooper’s beak gapes endlessly and soundlessly open as it follows Newt around while he gathers the bits he has around – oh, a tin whistle, that’s perfect – until he’s built it a new voicebox. He houses it in a collar until he’s sure that it works, this strange mechanical collar with levers and gears and a set of tiny bellows blowing through the tin whistle, but when he goes to fix it more permanently the fwooper flaps huffily away. It likes it’s collar. It’s keeping it.
There’s a sleipneir that’s had four of it’s legs hacked off to disguise it as regular horse; Newt collects ice and lightning and builds it four new ones, and the sleipnir stretches it’s eight legs and crosses an ocean in one glorious stride.
There’s a crup with its tail docked, such a simple and common procedure but the crup doesn’t like it so Newt weaves him a new one out of a blanket and a tattered rope chew. It’s not soft enough, not quite right, so he uses a couple of strands of his own hair and – yes, that’s it, that’s perfect. The crup uses his new tail to sweep everything off Newt’s table and onto the floor, and spends the rest of forever chasing it in delight.
Then there’s a selkie, her husband stole her skin and she wants more than anything to leave him but she can’t – so Newt sews her a new skin and when he throws it over her she barks a laugh and flicks her tail and drags her husband into the sea to drown.
A gorgon shows him the ruined mess of her hair, the limp headless bodies of the snakes that some wandering hero stole from her; Newt builds each snake for her individually and gives them steel blades for their spines and they writhe around her head in untouchable glee.
And – one day – a person, just a regular person, but she was born with only stubs in place of her feet, and she’s not even magical but remember that Newt is kind and Newt doesn’t care all that much for following the law. Her builds her new ones from the living roots of the walking vines and she takes her feet and bares her teeth at the world and shows it what she can do when she runs.
Newt smiles after her and wishes her well, and turns his attention to the siren, the wampus cat, the old man, the child – he keeps going and keeps creating and every time he meets someone that the world has given up on he cocks his head and thinks no, they just need something to stand on.
I just love the myth of Persephone, i mean the real, original version of it, because it’s not like she got kidnapped, no, this bitch was la-de-da-ing in a meadow and she just happened to find an entrance to the Underworld and she was like “Imma check this out”. And she just wanders into the Underworld and discovers that hey this place ain’t too bad.
Meanwhile Hades is in the background “????? UM??? PRETTY GIRL??? WHY ARE YOU HERE?????? YOU AREN’T DEAD???”
And Persephone (who was originally called Kore just a little fyi) just looked at him and said “I like it here. I’m staying.”
And Hades kinda just went with it, until Demeter started throwing the temper tantrum of the millenium upstairs and Zeus had to intervene because this shit was getting out of hand and its actually his job to be admistrator of justice. Which considering the shit he gets up to is kinda histerical but that’s another story there.
And basically Persephone wasn’t a prisoner or kidnap victim at all she just really loved the Underworld and her (eventual) husband, and the Greeks feared her arguably more than her husband because Hades could be reasoned with but Persephone was the one laying the smack down on sinners, and really, who wouldn’t be at least a little scared of someone who’s name means something along the lines of “the destroyer”
Basically, Persephone is amazing and everbody needs to get on her level
i think the best part of that myth is that Zeus decided to change Kore’s name to Persephone (basically “the one who brings chaos”) only because she wanted to stay in the underworld and SHE WOULDN’T FUCKING LISTEN then Zeus, all-mighty king of the gods, kinda gives up and goes “fine, but you’re going to visit your mom” “also, I changed your name” “get rekt”
Also, if I’m not mistaken, Kore means “little girl” so imagine going from that to “chaos bringer”
I mean, going from little girl to chaos bringer sounds like a p solid deal to me, sign me up.
This may not be the version of the myth that’s commonly known and taught. But is is the original, from before it was altered to scare Greek/Roman girls into submission. Persephone was a badass bitch.
wupacing 