Can we have a Harry Potter AU where Regulus Black is the Death Eater spy turned potions master instead of Snape?
I can’t believe I only JUST realized all the comedy potential that is Sirius showing up to kill Peter 3rd year and finding his supposedly evil brother working at Hogwarts and having civil conversations with Remus about Harry’s grades
Please let this be after a full year of awkwardness of Regulus working with his evil brother’s ex
Sirius and Regulus are both convinced they’re the good brother
What if instead of gilly weed Harry had showed up to the black lake challenge in muggle scuba gear like “like where’s your advanced magic now bitches? Got me a free fishing knife with this thing”
Honestly I just want an AU where Harry approached all his magical problems with muggle solutions. Nobody knows how to handle it because he’s supposed to be there learning magic but you know what, it fucking works.
Give me Harry Potter who is like fucking MacGuyver up in this shit, creating his own non-magical solutions to magical problems.
“Potter how did you get past the enchanted keys to the Sorcerer’s Stone?”
“I used a fucking net.”
“How did you get past the dragon?”
Harry shines a little red light on the wall “works on cats, why not a dragon”
“How did you get through the hedge maze?”
“Weed-b-gone, it’s like a pound. Nothing will ever grow there again”
AU where Minerva McGonagall has a little less faith in Albus Dumbledore so she does agree to leave Harry at the Dursleys.
But then proceeds to move right in next door with her wife because Albus never said that she couldn’t.
So Harry grows up with two grandmalike aunties next door, who basically finnagle him into living with them in all but name. It’s great, until he gets to Hogwarts because he keeps accidentally calling McGonagall Aunt Min instead of Professor.
The more I think about this the better it gets because suddenly a small biracial orphan appearing on the Dursley’s doorstep is less scandalous and gossip worthy in the
pasty ass white suburbia of Privet Drive, when it’s compared to the elderly lesbian interracial couple who moved in next door.
Okay this has an amazing amount of potential for Harry, but I am very filled with curiosity about Minerva’s wife.
1) Who is she? and more importantly
2) How did this marriage come to pass?
I mean I am all for Minerva McGonagall having had a wife already at this juncture in her life, but consider
1) Utter BAMF who is acknowledged to be out of everyone’s league Minerva McGonagall walking into a Ministry break room full of lady Aurors and the like and saying, “I have a child that needs looking after and a neighborhood full of prats who need scandalizing and will marry the first woman to say yes” and there is a moment’s shock and then the verbal equivalent of half a dozen bridesmaids diving for the bouquet with one clear winner who was a split second faster on the uptake and they end up in love by the time Harry is old enough to toddle properly.
2) The house next door is being sold by the daughter of its occupant who just inherited it and wants nothing to do with Little Whinging except to inflict herself on all the narrow-minded bastards long enough to get a good price for it; when Minerva walks in the door there is a mental adjustment that leaves her swooning (or maybe that’s Minerva) and after tea, dinner, and certain other activities she invites Minerva to live with her instead of selling it.
3) Minerva specifically tracks down the schoolmate she knows to be best at making stupid people regret everything, and asks her to pretend to be her wife, share a house in Little Whinging with her, and help keep an eye on Harry Potter. Both of them solidly overestimated their ability to keep the relationship fake.
is that no teacher ever called him James by accident, or that Ron never was called “Bill-, eh Charl-, no Per-, argh!”
As a younger sister who knows this struggle all too well: THIS IS REAL. Pretty sure 70% of my past teachers still think I’m called what my sister is called in fact.
Imagine Fred being called Percy by McGonagall accidentally and then he gets so offended that he refers to her by “Professor [insert any other name but McGonagall” for the rest of the year, costing Gryffindor a considerable amount of points one at a time.
From then on, she vows to just call them all Mr Weasley.
Until Ginny comes along and she calls her Mr Weasley by accident and Ginny “accidentally’ calls her Sir and it starts again.
one of the v. important things the movies missed about ron is just like, how down to fight he was at all times. like not even duel just he was always ready to physically beat the shit out of people who insulted his family or friends and WOULD if no one stopped him.
there are so many points in the books where its just casually dropped in ‘and so Harry and/or Hermione had to physically restrain Ron’ usually from Malfoy but if Harry or Hermione weren’t paying attention it became ‘and so Ron punched Malfoy in the face’.
Like, Ron cursing Malfoy for calling Hermione Mudblood wasnt just a one off thing like every time he did that in the future when Ron was there it was like ‘ron had to be stopped from ending Malfoy’s life’ just thrown in there. Same for any other severe insults.
My absolute favorite instance of this is in the first book when they’re just watching a Quidditch game and Malfoy just starts bothering Ron and Hermione during it and is finally like ‘man its pretty funny how the Gryffindor quidditch team is recruited based on pity like y’know Potter has no parents, Weasley’s brothers have no money they should include Longbottom for having no brains” and Ron just flings himself at Malfoy and starts punching him and rolling around under the bleachers and Neville is like “uh shit i guess i better fight CRABBE AND GOYLE BOTH AT ONCE so they don’t go after him” (very underrated moment of courage from Neville he knew he had no chance but he just went for it honestly almost more impressive than confronting Voldemort in book 7)
and they’re just fighting for like twenty minutes and Hermione doesn’t even notice because she was so focused on tuning Malfoy out and watching the game and when its over she looks around like “where’d ron go” and then later its mentioned “Harry sees Ron and his face is covered in blood and he’s like “GOOD JOB WINNING THE GAME HARRY I GAVE MALFOY A BLACK EYE SO WE BOTH DID GREAT THINGS TONIGHT oh btw i have detention for a week and neville’s unconcious but they say he’ll be fine”.
Once is chance, twice is a coincidence, three times usually means someone’s trying to kill him.
“What are you doing?”
Draco turns toward the sounds of his voice and scowls. “Potter, I would have thought this level of stalking to be beneath you.”
“I’m not stalking you! You’re stalking me, if anything, because this isn’t even your world.” Draco doesn’t so much a flinch, and Harry’s shoulders slump. “Where did you even get that anyway?”
“I stole it,” he says, and Harry’s barely had the time to get outraged when he rolls his eyes, “I bought it, obviously. With money. You know what that is, don’t you?”
“Shut up,” he answers, and then, “How do you even know how to ride that thing?”
Draco shifts his weight, circling Harry on his skateboard, as comfortable as if he’d been walking. “Please, like it’s hard. You could probably even do it.” He’s dressed like a muggle again, ridiculously tight jeans and trainers and a dark green t shirt that Harry’s pretty sure could stand to be a size or two larger. The sleeves cut into his biceps in a way that can’t be necessary. “Want to try?”
Harry had been so busy staring at Draco he hadn’t noticed when he got close. “What?
“I’m headed to the skate park,” he says, “It will be a lot easier for you to continue following me if you can manage to not fall off a skateboard.”
“I’m not following you,” he says, then immediately follows it up with, “Yeah, sure, okay.”
It seems like this summer is getting away from him, maybe.
alright so i know we are all into punk sirius who is hot on slumming it in his teens, showing just how connected to the working classes and the great unwashed he is by living in a tiny poky flat in London, BUT I submit, for your delectation:
everyone lives au in which sirius decides to reverse stick it to his fam by joining forces with andromeda to become the hot new socialites in magical britain, hosting charity balls for postwar rehabilitation and like, vampire & werewolf charity fundraisers – lavish affairs in which the rich and the beautiful are subtly pressured into outbidding each other into donating more and more absurd amounts of money or else risk being socially ostracized FOREVER because they won’t receive one of those EXCLUSIVE invitations to number 12 Grimmauld Place & this INFURIATES narcissa who CLEARLY is the HEIR to the social lives of the black family and will not be USURPED by her black sheep of a sister and the family’s wild canon and dissolute disowned heir, her cousin lbr she probably bitches about this to Bellatrix’s portrait ad infinitum and Bella’s just like why don’t I have my WAND why can’t I cast spells and make her SHUT UP she and Draco grow very close in those months with Narcissa’s wailing incessantly about how NO ONE will attend any of the Malfoy’s social events and also FANCY!!!! ANDROMEDA HAVING THE AUDACITY TO DISINVITE ME FROM MY OWN ANCESTRAL HOME!!! AN INSULT NOT TO BE BORNE!!!!
anyway, Sirius obviously throws each and every single piece of furniture in Grimmauld Place out and strips it down, knocks down a couple of walls and adds in some elegant french windows and with Fleur’s help redesigns the place entirely because for god’s sake, victorian gothic is SO last century and besides, if we’re really doing pureblood decadence the only way to go is French Rococo lbr and everything is now MIRRORS and GILT and frankly ridiculous furniture that is IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT ON but everyone adores even when they’ve been standing in six inch heels for three hours running. Walburga Black obviously has kittens over this redecoration and this meticulous stripping away of their HISTORY (we can trace our family all the way to the Norman conquest! Your great great great great great great great great great great grandfather fought alongside King William at Hastings (unlike the Malfoys who only LIE about their involvement, just so we’re clear) she shouts until Sirius reveals his party trick aka the elaborately brocaded silk curtains he’s installed to be pulled over his mother’s painting so she becomes yet another one of the #quirks of Grimmauld Place, an entertainment set piece and nothing more).
Meanwhile in the library Sirius probably donates half the books to Hogwarts and then redoes the entire place in homage to the Brighton Pavillion (You see I’m not entirely unpatriotic, he tells the portrait of his fuming father) and then installs CARD TABLES at which the rich and the famous can do things like LOSE ENTIRE FORTUNES and also the family diamonds – all in the name of charity.
Also, most importantly is the draw Sirius exerts on the entire wizarding world because he obviously cultivates an eccentric and bohemian persona and insists on receiving guests for one hour only from a chaise longue in one of the parlours where he reclines in these hideous brocaded silk dressing gowns, with bottles of sal vol and assorted smelling salts around him and he only ever extends a single well-manicured hand to everyone: twelve years in Azkaban, he says faintly to everyone who visits, but the healer says I should recover my nerves soon (no one knows when ‘’’’’’’’’soon’’’’’’’’’ is, but this goes on for at least ten years after the war.)
And obviously each and every single one of his relatives stuck in their portraits are clawing their eyes out or shrieking in horror about WE HAVE BEEN REDUCED!!!! REDUCED TO BEING NO MORE THAN THE LAUGHING STOCK OF BRITAIN!!! except possibly Regs who is amused at just how terribly transparent & crude his brother is at the art of provocateuring.
With everyone going on about how much JKR sucks I’m going to share my own “I’m ignoring her and making my own canon” scenario
Sometime after their last kid is born Ginny and Harry sit down and decide they are tired of living a lie and while they are best friends they don’t want to be each other’s beards anymore.
They get a divorce and Ginny ends up moving out to live with Luna. Shortly after she moved Ron showed up needing a place for him and the kids because he and Hermione have had a talk and are having a trial separation. Again they still like each other but they don’t really work as a couple.
Ron ends up as kinda stay at home dad to both sets of kids (though they see Ginny and Hermione all the time) it’s clear this is what he excels at. Ron is a lot more like his mother than anyone thought though much less controlling.
Nothing happens between him and Harry at this point but it’s close. What does happen is Ron talks Harry into applying for the defence against the dark arts position at Hogwarts
While this happening Ron and Hermione get a divorce and she goes public as being Aromantic. At this point Harry and Ron live in between Hermione and Ginny/Luna. All of the children have free reign of all of the houses and find having 5 parents pretty cool. Except they always fail at trying to play them off one another. The adults get along too well for that to work.
Ron and Harry get together quietly and Harry starts teaching
When he does Albus starts sympathetically being called the cursed child by his classmates because his dad keeps embarrassing the hell out of him and trying to give him advice on how to ask out Scorpius
The rest of the Weasley/Potter brood are jealous because at least Albus doesn’t have their dad as head of his house.
Harry is the MOST embarrassing dad
The newspapers try to twist their unusual home life as something wrong but the kids are so happy and well adjusted that instead it changes public opinion in a good way.
Draco who has become a lot less unpleasant in latter years corresponds often with Harry about their kids burgeoning relationship and runs a youth program to get young wizards away from hate groups and to change their life for the better. Hermione endorses it
wupacing 