Before she learns about his secret identity, Lois Lane
thinks Clark Kent is a goddamn mess
She goes to his place to work on a joint article and it
takes her like half an hour to find out that Clark lives in an absolutely
nonfunctional house
She has to change a lightbulb but there are no stools, no
sufficiently high chairs, no way of reaching the ceiling unless you find a way
to climb the walls. “How the hell do you change your bulbs?” she asks. Clark
mutters something about misplacing the footstool and helps her drag the table
from the kitchen to the living room.
Lois watches Clark make lasagna and has to physically
restrain him from pulling the tray out of the oven with his bare hands. “Are
you out of your goddamn MIND?” she yells, scrambling to pull him away on time. “What
are you DOING? WHERE ARE THE OVEN MITTS?” and Clark is just like “Right…..oven
mitts…….. I think I lost them with the uh. footstool” both he and Lois pause
for a moment to engage in a riveting game of Mentally Punch Clark
Lois runs into the bathroom to put on a disguise and yells
out, “Where do you keep your razor?” There’s a gust of wind and Clark comes
back with slightly windswept hair. “I got it!” he says with unwarranted
triumph. “It’s right here. The razor I use.” Lois looks at it and it is CLEARLY
recently purchased and never used and she’s just like. I don’t even care
anymore
For weeks she just assumes Clark is missing some crucial
element in his home and starts stacking her own things all over the place. Lois thinking Clark has no clue how to take care of himself while Clark is Eternally Tormented and has to find ways to keep his identity a secret while living in close quarters, and the slow burn mutual pining roommates AU of my dreams begins
LOL. Please understand how hilarious this is considering their interactions in A New Hope. Like, even if Han is just Obi-Wan’s distant nephew or something, I’m laughing. HAN IS SO UNIMPRESSED WITH HIM, who is this dumb old man, blahblahblah. Honestly, I think this is a point in the “Han is totally a Kenobi” column, because the only person I’d buy being that unimpressed with Obi-Wan is Obi-Wan himself.
Perhaps there was more to Obi-Wan’s deeply entertaining facial reactions in the cantina scene, because he’d figured out what’s up:
This would, of course, also explain why Leia wanted to get in Han’s pants and why Luke was like GOLLY HAN YOU SHOULD STAY WITH US FOREVER DON’T EVER LEAVE ME after knowing him for one single afternoon. 😄
This… Is an idea I had not previously considered but am now highly interested in. Because honestly the “charming dork who has a thing for people who dramatically yell at him” thing DOES have a certain level of familiarity! Also the whole penchant for “unexpected use of luck to pull off impossible plans”…
Hmm.
Ok so Han was about 10 at the end of the Clone Wars IIRC. A Kenobi sibling is definitely a possibility, but the other (far more amusing) option is that a young Knight Kenobi had an eventful solo mission (pfft!) On Correllia while his very young Padawan was back at the Temple doing catch up homework in the early years of their partnership.
Actually that idea has a lot of merit. After all, Obi-Wan’s reputation has to have come from somewhere and you KNOW Anakin would have been a highly effective cockblock the moment he was allowed on missions…
XD
Well, I think we’ve had a true breakthrough here, people. This is my canon now and I will not be swayed.
Han, pretending to be the lone sane person around a bunch of dramatic idiots, when he too is a huge drama llama? Sounds about right.
Han, flirting with a lot of people and being kiiiinda into his own damn self? Sounds about right.
Han, his glorious Star Wars Hair Swoosh flying around in the wind? Sounds about right.
Han, unable to say no to a Skywalker? SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.
HAN, GREATLY ENJOYING “ARGUING” WITH PEOPLE HE ABSOLUTELY WANTS TO SLEEP WITH? SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.
Also, amazingly, this would make Kylo “Universe Ruiner” Ren both Obi-Wan AND Anakin’s grandson. I guess now we know why those two aren’t showing their faces around the living world these days. 😂
Han, having a bad feeling about this? Sounds about right
Han, somehow finding a single incapacitated friend in a massive expanse of snow and ice without technological assistance? Sounds about right.
Han, going for the sneaky and unexpected escape route? Sounds about right.
Han insisting that he is absolutely not attached to these people going and sacrificing himself for them? Sounds about right.
Han, deliberately NOT killed by Vader? Sounds about right… XD
(I definitely headcanon Han as being an untrained force sensitive who passed off his connection to the force as being gut feelings and good luck!)
And pfft, maybe that was the problem – trying to contain Kenobi and Skywalker genes in a single individual results in infinite drama without the counterbalance to provide control XD.
Tony hates public appearances, they’re all fake pr crap but SESAME STREET?!
Sesame Street didn’t think they’d get him but it wouldn’t hurt to ask, right?
Tony showed up beaming, he was so fucking happy. He dropped them enough money to run for a year.
He loves Sesame Street. He loves Bill Nye. He plays a recurring role as himself on Cyber Chase.
He appears for free on any kids’ science show that will have him because he knows that will boost their ratings and get kids to watch.
Tony donates to underfunded schools.
Tony unironically judges science fairs.
TONY LOVES SCIENCE AND WANTS EVERYONE ELSE TO LOVE IT TOO
so when Wakanda opens it’s borders? When he meets Shuri?
He pulls her aside and says ‘I know this tv show that you should be on. They’ll love you there.’
Tony on Sesame Street needs to be canon
So many of the Avengers and associates ended up on the show that Tony just paid the production costs for their own spinoff. The Assisters™ solve all the problems they encounter with knowledge. Super-Grover becomes an honorary member of the Assisters immediately. Clint cries when he first meets his Muppet counterpart. Peter almost exclusively wears every but of BugBoy merch he can find.
IMPORTANT: Is Clint’s counterpart deaf?
Obviously Eagle-eye is deaf. He and his dog Lucky have a regular ASL segment.
Director Snarky only has one eye, which is why his trench coat gets stuck in things so often (depth perception issues, you know) but luckily his friend Agent Molehill is always willing to lend a hand.
Mary Molehill’s segments are mostly about taking big jobs and breaking them down so they’re manageable. She shows different ways to do the same jobs, too because not all methods work for all people.
Agent Coldson has some scars from an accident that happened a while ago. Most if the time he’s the one helping everybody else but sometimes his ptsd makes things hard for him and his friends, both in the Assisters and at S.H.E.L.L. have to make sure they help in the right way.
S.H.E.L.L., of course, is the acronym for Someone Helping Everybody Lots & Lots. Agent Coldson explained it when he was also explaining about acronyms.
I need this to be real.
Ok I love this so much
Okay but we need a few side segments that don’t happen very often but people get excited for anyway.
Poki is the well known local trickster, playing mostly childish pranks on everyone, but will occasionally turn to full on scemes that get nearly the entire cast involved. Usually, though, he’ll hide something that belongs to one of the others and force them to look for it. Said person will then ask a child for help, who will of course suggest places it is clearly not when it’s hidden in plain sight, until they eventually find. Poki will say that the person somehow cheated and vow to return with a better hiding hiding place next time. Pokis only has two weaknesses: giving him a kiss and or hug or… calling his mother, Trigga.
Dr. Strain will more often than not be the one stitching up the heros when they get an ‘ouchy or tear’. Literally stitching them up as he shows the proper way to stitch and sew things together while also reminding children not to use sharp needles without adult supervision.
Track Dancer, a mysterious ally hailing from the land of Wadona where everyone is some form of cat, will show you how to dance fight like a pro. He also explains why violence is not always the answer and how we should use our words and not our fists, but to remeber that words can be just has harmful when not used properly.
Shari, a proud lioness also from Wadona, will show you wicked cool science experiments and what tools to use to execute them properly. Safety is her #1 priority, though, and will not hesitate to call you out if she sees you in sandals or walking around without safety glasses anywhere near her laboratory.
Tucky Tarnes is an expert at doing his chores. He folds his clothes neatly. He makes his bed every morning after breakfast, making sure to tuck in those silly corners and more often than not wrestling with them to stay in place. Washing the dishes after he dirties them. And cleaning up his messes. Only when all his chores are done will he go outside and play with his best friend, Beaver Bogers.
Meggy Marter is the kindly old veteran of the group. She’s quick to give out helpful advice and is always offering milk and cookies to her visitors, but don’t let this fool you. She’ll happily kick butt and take names (in a kid friendly way of course) if it means getting the job done. And don’t you dare try to tell her that this is a mans problem and should be handled as such. You’ll never be allowed to eat her milk and cookies again.
It got better….I heart you!!
Shari: And we NEVER EVER touch a beaker when it is hot. That would bad and make Mommy and Daddy very sad.
******
Dr. Strain: Be sure to keep the stitching as straight as possible to prevent the stuffing from falling out. And try to keep the thread from bunching and tangling together or you may be forced to start all over again.
*Bhor come running by in a tangle of thread as he flails his arms before tripping and flying off screen followed by the sounds of banging trashcans and other various metals* *Momir comes flying by a second later*
Dr. Strain: *deep sigh of exasperation as be looks at the floor and shacks his head*
******
Eagle-Eye: Now pay close attention to this one, kids. It can be a bit tricky, but you all seem smart, so I’m sure you’ll all get the hang of it in no time! Right, Lucky?
Lucky: Bark bark! *pants excitedly and bounces up and down while the interpretor shows the audience how to sign the words*
******
Sony: Hey, has anyone seen my wrench?
*everyone thinks to themselves before shaking their heads and saying, ‘No. Nope. Not me. Nuh-uh.’ and so on*
Sony: That’s weird. I can’t find it anywhere.
Mary: Well, where do you remember having it last?
Sony: Just a few minutes ago, but now it’s gone!
Tucky: Don’t worry! We’ll help you find it!
Everyone: Yeah! Com’on! Let’s go! I think I saw it in a birthday cake!
*Only Bhor and Sony remain*
Bhor: I find it most odd that your weapon for fixing broken machinations has gone missing, Sony.
Sony: Me too, Bhor. It’s almost as if it disappeared by mag-. *a mischievous giggle is heard off screen* What was that?
Bhor: *Sony and Bhor look all around in confusion to find the source* I do not know. It seems to have stopped. *giggle is heard again and continues as the two look around more* Wait! I would know that laughter anywhere! There is only one person it can be!
Sony: GASP! Voldemort!
Bhor: Yes, it i-. *turns to Sony with an exasperated face before facing the camera again* There is only one other person it can be!
Sony: Wait… You don’t mean….
Bhor: I fear so. It is-!
*Thunder claps as a bright puff of smoke billows up from the floor. Out of the flash steps none other than Poki* *Sony and Bhor jump at each other and shake in each others arms as this all happens*
Poki: Behold! It is *cough* none other than *cough cough* I, Po- *cough cough* ki, Prince of Glassgaurd and God of-! *starts coughing uncontrollably* *Bhor and Sony look at each other in question* Pardon me, one moment. *conjures up a glass of water and drinks it quickly* *sighs in relief once done* Sorry for that. I have asked them to tone down the smoke but they never listen. Now where was I? Oh, yes! Prince of Glassgaurd and God of Mischief and Lies!
imagine if odin wasn’t a trick ass bitch and thor loki And hela were like actual siblings without all the issues,,,they really would’ve killed thanos Dumbass for fun on like a weekend mission
thor kills thanos for giving his dumbass genocide speech in the middle of the starbucks and holding up the line, while loki and hela post selfies on instagram, the backgrounds of which are All thor mopping the floor with thanos head
Merry: we’ve been conducting an ongoing study to see what Legolas will and will not eat
Pippin: grass? yes!
Merry: moss? yes!!
Pippin: leaves? Ohh, yes!
Merry: bootlaces? Strange but true!
Pippin: worms? Sometimes!
Merry: Rocks? Nah
Pippin: twigs? usually!
Merry: Pippin’s cooking? Inconclusive!
Faramir: how did you… test this
Merry: you just hand him stuff and say ‘this is for you’ and if he eats it, he eats it
Faramir: …….I don’t know how to feel about this
Aragorn: IS THAT WHERE ALL MY SPARE BOOTLACES WENT
Pippin: well what did you need so many spare bootlaces for anyway
Aragorn: in case… the ones in my boots…. break!!!
Pippin: !!!!!ohhh!!!
Merry: aha!
Faramir: how could you not know that
Pippin: pff you expect me to know how boots work? *walks away*
Legolas: when I ate them, I did not know they were your bootlaces. I thought they were leathery and inferior worms.
Aragorn: so you didn’t even enjoy them
Aragorn: why did you eat them ALL if you didn’t enjoy them
Legolas: Merry and Pippin seemed to like it when I ate the gifts they gave me so usually I ate them
Merry: *slamming his fist down upon the table* you’ve COMPROMISED our test results!!
Gimli, from a distance:
Merry, yelling back: WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW ABOUT IT ARE YOU A SCIENTIST
Gimli: YES
This is UNFAIR because obviously Merry and Pippin are conducting a Single-Subject research design which is commonly used in fields like psychology where the subject works as its own control. They aren’t testing all elves willingness to eat twigs, they’re testing Legolas’ willingness to eat twigs.
By outing their testing in what is obviously the intervention stage and not allowing for a natural return to the reversal stage, Aragon has possibly ruined months of data.
In conclusion, Gimli is acting like a second year hard-science major who just took their first statistics course and both he and Aragorn should feel bad
Hell yeah! Tell em my social science sibling! Also it’s clearly a qualitative – observational case study!
I appreciate everyone defending them but Merry and Pippin DEFINITELY ruined their own results by laughing every time Legolas ate one of their ‘gifts’
-baby dragons that will try to bite lighters and cigarettes and any other form of flame including gas stovetops because a baby dragon biting flame is like a baby human chewing on a teething toy they just gotta do it
-baby dragons that will also try to bite lightbulbs, including holiday lights and phone screens, because they haven’t figured out yet that these are not Real Fire
-baby dragons who love to just sit on the stovetop after the pots are removed and bask in the warmth
-baby dragons who start up a little hoard of small household items that are metallic and/or shiny, like paperclips and keys, because they’ve yet to be exposed to gold and jewels
-baby dragons who beg at the dinner table
-baby dragons who’ve figured out how to fly but not quite how to stop yet so they kinda just crash into something that’s hopefully soft to stop themselves
-adolescent dragons being introduced to jewelry for the first time and having to be told “no” unto they give up on stealing the items. For now….
-stashes of silverware and change and rhinestones being found back in the cupboards
-adolescent dragons who love music and can hum along
-adolescent dragons getting used to their leashes and going on walks
-adolescent dragons who learn to ride on your shoulder and at first you have to keep them tied to you so they don’t fly off when you go outside but pretty soon they learn and they love you enough to stay with you
-adolescent dragons going through crazy mood swings and being distant and aloof but eventually coming back for snuggles like always
-young dragons who start trying to preen your hair (it never goes very well but they try, okay? And you love them.)
-young dragons with tons of energy setting about doing everything possible to make their humans happy
-they can operate almost any lamp or lightswitch for you, and they’ll try to open your cupboards when you’re cooking and they’ll press elevator buttons and unzip your backpack/purse/briefcase and untie your shoes and fetch the paper and do just about any small task they can do to make you happy
-young dragons who think their scolding is what opens automatic doors for their owners
-young dragons who are incredibly, zealously eager to please, even though they don’t really know what they’re doing
-middle-aged dragons who start to lose some of the energy but are now incredibly loyal and know you and your habits to a fault
-middle-aged dragons who start taking naps on the window ledges and fall off a few times but they get the hang of it
-middle-aged dragons who stay on your shoulder almost all the time now, wrapping their tail around your other shoulder for balance
-middle-aged dragons that will affectionately rub their heads along your neck and cheek and jawline
-old dragons who just lay around and nap happily all the time
-seriously they’re like cats and sunbeams
-old dragons who sit in your lap and eat off your plate at dinner because they’ve darn well earned the privilege and everybody else knows it
-old dragons who are terrible influences and start showing the younger dragons how to hoard and steal shiny things
-old dragons that curl up under your chin and lie on your chest and bask in your presence
-service dragons who help disabled people go about their lives
-pet dragons who are basically therapy animals
-pet dragons that are incredibly loving and demonstrative of that love
-pet dragons who are loyal and who bond closely and work with and love their humans
-pet dragons who are the sweetest things in the universe
• Because Minerva McGonagall isn’t gonna let an eleven year old kid beat her at sudden death chess and get away with it.
• Ron is a really good president just ‘cos all he expects from members is that they try. You can be horrible at chess (Harry) or extremely good at it (Dean Thomas and his deft hands), and it doesn’t matter in the end because Ron’ll clap you on the back anyway and say, “Good game, mate.”
• Meetings are held in the library because Madam Pince has always had a softness for wizard chess and trusts Minerva when she promises that no one will [probably] get blown up. (Seamus Finnigan whistles innocently somewhere in the background.)
• The library is actually the perfect place for it. The atmosphere is charming. Books are floating around their heads all the time—some leaning down curiously to watch, others being plucked lovingly from the air by Hermione. The usual quiet is exchanged for whispered exclamations and barely stifled sniggers, and just this once, Madam Pince doesn’t mind. Oh, and the light coming in through the colored windows shines on the pieces in a really beautiful way, I tell ya—reds, blues, and golds flickering off kings and queens like badges of honor. (Everyone kinda loves it.)
• THE GOOD: (i.) Dean Thomas: Vice President. His games are works of art. Dean Thomas is a work of art. (ii.) Justin Finch-Fletchley: He used to play chess all of the time with his muggle grandpa. It took him a little bit to get used to all the moving pieces, though. (iii.) Susan Bones: She learned precision from her aunt and applies it nicely to the chessboard. (iv.) Astoria Greengrass: Boredom and a desire to do something interesting has bred a mean chess player out of little Miss Greengrass. (v.) Cho Chang: Cho doesn’t get to attend all of the meetings because of Quidditch, but she’ll pop in occasionally and make fools out of anyone who dares to cross her. #RavenclawPride
• THE OKAY?: (i.) Hermione Granger: Hermione’s not bad per say. She’d be better if she would stop overthinking every, single move. (ii.) Michael Corner: He’s a bit of a sore loser. (iii.) Neville Longbottom: He’s actually a pretty decent player—just needs a bit of polishing around the edges. Neville likes the patience of chess, how he can sit and think a little while before he has to make a move. (iv.) George Weasley: In many of his and Fred’s wonderful schemes, he’s been responsible for the finer details of the prank, the complexities and the nuances. His attention to detail makes him a player to contend with.
The UGLY:
(i.) Harry Potter: Harry J is constantly distracted by everything and everyone in his tragic life to be any good at chess, but he wouldn’t miss a meeting for the world. Ron gets this big, stupid grin on his face when he’s playing that’s worth every second of it. (ii.) Draco Malfoy: “Did you see the way Potter moved his chess piece? It wasn’t very graceful, was it? I’m much better than Potter. Besides, chess is for inferior people. LIKE POTTER. Have I mentioned that I’m better than Potter?” “Oi, Draco, you lost.” “Oh.” (iii.) Daphne Greengrass: She only joined because her sister made her. Most of the time, she just sits in the corner and reads a wizard comic. Nerd. (iv.) Ernie Macmillan: Brags ceaselessly when he wins. Threatens to quit when he loses. Finally acts on his words when Astoria creams him with many pawns to spare.
HONORABLE MENTIONS: (i.) Seamus Finnigan: Did not blow a single person up. (ii.) Fred Weasley: Isn’t really interested in the chess part, but enjoys alternating between cheering his brothers on and pranking them. (iii.) Hannah Abbott: Her weary apologies for Ernie’s pompous behavior should be duly noted. (iv.) Luna Lovegood/Dobby: Their collaborative banners for the club are lovely.
• In light of Dumbledore’s Army, the Hogwarts Chess Club is later renamed Dumbledore’s Pawns. Too on the nose?
• Over the course of the club, there are certain match ups that everyone gets really hyped over: Dean vs. Ron, Draco vs. Harry (even though both of them are horrible at it), Astoria vs. Ron, etc. But no game is more anticipated than the occasional one that Minnie McGee and Ron play. It’s epic. The pieces are all but broken by the time they finish up. At the end of Ron’s sixth year, the record is in his favor, but only just.
• (Quite a few Weasleys have come and gone in Minerva’s time at Hogwarts—many of them extremely gifted and well liked by her—but for this, for his prowess at a game that she loves, she will always have a particular fondness for Ron.)
• Other teachers stop in to play, too. Flitwick and Pince have a delightful rivalry. Snape has never beaten Minerva McGonagall for all his sneering. Lupin is okay, but his main contribution to the club is giving chocolate to unsuspecting members. (Where does he get his supply??? Does it just randomly appear up his sleeve?????) Dumbledore himself once popped in, won against Ron and Minerva alike with a twinkle in his eye, and then Apparated out of the library just because he knew Miss Granger’s mouth would fall open.
• You have to admit, that man has style.
• Just Hogwarts chess club, y’all.
• I think Ron would love it just as much as his Chocolate Frog card. (Okay, maybe a little less.)
Okay but I kind of feel like Luna would be in the top five players, at least. Here’s why.
A lot of what makes a player good at chess is knowing your openings and knowing your lines. I think Luna would know hundreds of obscure variants, generally considered inferior and therefore neglected to the point that, at the school-age level, most players wouldn’t know how to play against them. It’s a long time before you get past “Queen’s gambit is bad” to “Here is why nobody plays Queen’s gambit, this specific response to it leaves you hopelessly devastated by move 20″ to “well actually it turns out if you both play the best lines, Queen’s gambit is a bit of a toss-up” and Luna would play things like Nimzo-Indian that the chess world has largely moved past but that only McG and Dumbledore (and maybe Snape) really know how to play against. Ron doesn’t actually know the lines, but can usually play her to a hard fought draw or a very narrow victory or loss just by his good instincts for the game.
In short, Luna’s the player that the older students watch her and think “what is she doing, she’s so awful, ow do you people keep losing to her” and the teachers are thinking “here is a dangerous person who is going to get a lot of mileage out of making people underrate her” and Luna’s thinking “no, that move isn’t pretty enough, because the Knight doesn’t get to dance with the Queen.”
tell me again about how peggy carter never taught steve rogers how to fight?
you
clearly
aren’t
paying
enough
attention
dear
What I love about this in an odd way is that all of these fighting techniques tend to be used by smaller and weaker people. In the first two: you get them off balance, take them by surprise. In three and four: incapacitating someone so they can’t continue to harm you. Five and six: again, surprise and using nearby objects because if they can’t get to you, they can’t hit you. Finally, the last two: overturn their center of gravity, get them off balance, get them to fall. These are all things Steve should have been taught before he went standing up to bullies and they are all things that Peggy Carter made sure he knew when he was big enough to keep bullies from hurting other people.
She taught Steve before he was big. She didn’t know (and if she had an idea, she definitely didn’t know for certain) that he was ever going to get big. She taught little Steve Rogers how to fight, because everyone else at basic training treated his presence like a joke, and because she was hands down the most qualified.
Or course Steve already knew how to fight, but he knew how to fight like a big muscular person, which he wasn’t. Most of his knowledge of fighting came from being hit by other people, by bigger people, by men. You can bet Bucky tried to teach him, but Bucky was big and strong and not qualified to know what would work best for STEVE.
Peggy Carter taught Steve to fight within his abilities, within his limitations, USING his size to his advantage. Be fast, be resourceful, bend your knees and get low and use their momentum against them, and when it gets serious fight dirty.
Peggy Carter taught Steve Rogers to fight like a woman, and that is why he always fucking wins.
Headcanon that McGonagall is offended on a personal level that Umbridge loves cats.
This literally got 600 more notes just while I was at dinner what the fuck
How has nobody thought about this before tbh
Ok but imagine McGonagall in cat form prowling around the castle, in strategically chosen places so that Umbridge will come across her.
Umbridge takes the cat back to her office and feeds it a little saucer of milk. The cat starts coming back to Umbridge’s office around the same time every night, until eventually Umbridge gets into a little routine of setting out a saucer of milk for the cat before bed.
McGonagall now has all the best secrets on Umbridge, all of the results of the evaluations, and most importantly, is in a perfect position to spy on the ministry for the Order of the Phoenix.
All because Umbridge is obsessed with cats.
The mental image McGonagall lapping up that milk while full of burning hatred for Umbridge amuses me in ways I can hardly describe.
wupacing 