so @carpedm87 and i were laughing about tumblr sex ed and…
imma help you guys out a little bc tumblr has obviously scared half of y’all into thinking that anal is difficult and fanfiction porn is too clean and that if you use less than a whole cup of lube, you will die
cleaning:
have a nice, solid poop ahead of time
that’s it. you’re done
probably not something anyone cares to read about in a fanfic. ok to skip
your rectum is empty most of the time anyway
umm…. enemas sound like overkill to me personally, but i guess if you want to?
lubing:
use some, i guess. probably don’t use none
some people prefer more? some prefer less?
stretching:
idk never heard of her
condoms:
wear them irl
up to you whether you include them in fic? im not your moral compass
inserting:
relax and think about wanting the dick inside you
your body does the rest
literally, relax. if you’ve pooped poops the size of the dick, and you’ve used some lube, it’ll fit
the ol’ “one-two-dick”:
all the fingering stuff is just foreplay that feels good. pleasure helps you relax
if you don’t need it and you’re psyched about dick without it, ok to skip
you don’t have to skip it if you like it
i personally think it’s boring to read 80% of the time. other people will get squicked out if it’s skipped. write what you want
after:
sometimes your butt is sore?
sometimes it’s not?
idk, depends. neither is unrealistic
irl, wash things that went in your butt with soap and warm water
in fic, do you want to write about clean up? is it part of the story? if not, laugh at anyone that tries to shame you into including this
Time to bring this back, I think. NSFW for demonstration images involving lots of dicks and also a kinks page. If you’re under 18, just don’t click that (and don’t come bitching to me if you do click it and get offended, I told you what was under there).
Fandom younglings, by which I mean anybody under approximately the age of 30, meet Minotaur.
Minotaur, sadly, passed away in 2009. But his friends have ensured his page stays up and lives on. He was a valued member of the early Internet fannish community, and his best-known contribution to it–the one to which I have just linked you–was “I am a gay man, here is how to write gay sex.” You can learn more about him as a person and fandomer here: https://fanlore.org/wiki/Minotaur
And while his famous guide uses very outdated fandom terminology (yep, it still says “slash” all over the damn place), and you can definitely tell the website’s layout hasn’t been touched in–literally–17 years, it’s still a great place to start, and I use it as a resource to this day.
It’s been here for you possibly since shortly after you were born, lovingly crafted for you by a fandom elder. Honor and use it.
Thank God. So sick of the occasional know it all trying to tell me my porn is not written correctly. I actually got this as a comment once : “you can’t do that! That’s a hospital visit!! There would be buckets of blood because you didn’t use enough lube and there was no actual stretching !”
My actual response : “I never write something I haven’t actually done myself. If you’ve had anal, please correct me. No? Okay, go away.”
I hate know it alls. Fuck off and come back when you can speak from experience.
i will never be over the fact that during first contact a human offered their hand to a vulcan and the vulcan was just like “wow humans are fucking wild” and took it
Humanity’s first contact with Vulcans was some guy going “I’m down to fuck.”
Vulcans’ first contact with Humans was an emphatic “Sure.”
“sir…these…these humans…they greet each other by…” *glances around before furtively whispering* “by clasping hands…”
*prolonged silence* “oh my…”
“sir…sir how will we make first contact with them? surely we…we cannot refuse this handclasping ritual, they will take it as an insult, but what vulcan would agree to such a distasteful and uncomfortable ritual??”
*several pensive moments later* “contact the vulcan high command and tell them to send us kuvak. i once saw that crazy son of a bitch arm wrestle a klingon, he’ll put his hands on anything”
Elsewhere, w/ kuvak: “….my day has come.”
The vulcan who made first contact with humans is named Solkar guys. Y’all just be makin’ up names for characters that already have names.
Bonus: here’s a screencap of Solkar doing the “my body is ready” pose right before he shakes Zefram Cochrane’s hand:
I swear Vulcans only come in two types and they are “distant xenophobes” or “horny on main for humanity”. Also apparently this guy is Spock’s great-grandfather and frankly that explains everything.
Hey so I looked into this at one point and that handshake literally created a lifelong telepathic bond between the two of them, and basically all of Solkar’s descendants were later obsessed with humans, including freaking SPOCK, so I’m not saying that handshake was so gay and good that it created an intergenerational telepathic bond between Solkar’s descendants and humans, but I’m also not….not….saying that.
The slow deliberation with which Solkar takes Cockrane’s–I’m sorry, Cochrane’s–hand… The sheer sensuality witch which Solkar infuses an otherwise borderline impersonal social ritual… It clearly shows a very conscious knowledge, on Solkar’s part, of what the significance of the handshake is in Vulcan terms and of how affected he is by it.
That’s why he’s so slow in doing it, and so sensual. A part of Solkar can’t believe this is happening, despite it being a perfectly logical thing to expect from a human, and the rest of him can’t believe how good it is.
I bet that if the camera zoomed in any further we would see the dilation of Solkar’s pupils and a quickly-repressed shiver of delight. Cochrane’s firm, businesslike clasp is probably (in sexual terms) being perceived as a deliciously carnal display of dominance.
No wonder Solkar is all like, “TAKE ME, YOU WILD-MANNERED BARBARIAN WITH ENTICINGLY ROUGH CALLUSES.”
And so we find out that yes, there is such a thing as bottoming in Pon-farr.
Every time this post comes round my dash, it just gets better.
why does every girl in a doujinshi have to nut like “uuuuuww! noooo! your hot stuff is inside me! its pouring inside me! oh no!!! your hot stuff is in me now! ill get pregnant with your hot stuff! ohhh! not inside me!!”
me when i eat soup lol
the fuck kinda soup you eatin?
some really good fuckin’ soup
How do you have a reaction image for THIS POST, at THIS MOMENT, for THIS CONTEXT
wupacing 