Can we just… normalize teens loving their parents? Like obviously you’re not obligated to if your parents are shitty, but damn, I love my mom. She’s there for me all the time and sure we have rough patches but honestly she’s the greatest. Like. We need teens to know that they don’t have to hate their parents just cause.
It must be nice to come from a nonabusive family. One that doesn’t traumatized every emotional interaction to the point where you drive away any sign of love as a form of manipulation because that’s all that you were raised with. 🤷♀️
It is.
Reading Comprehension
but loving ur parents is already normalized and its the kids w/ abusive parents that actually have to deal with misunderstandings and ignorance from others regarding this topic.
Hey there, I’m talking about the trope where it’s seen as super uncool to like your parents that was literally pushed on teens through the media since the culture shift in the early 60s. The post has nothing to do with abusive parents. I was abused as a kid and honestly if the trope where teens have to hate their parents to be cool died, then kids with actual abusive parents would have an easier time recognizing abuse this has been a psa
“if the trope where teens have to hate their parents to be cool died, then kids with actual abusive parents would have an easier time recognizing abuse”
Teen with abusive parents: I hate my parents
Teen influenced by society: Me too mine are the worst
The takeaway for teen 1: This is normal and it’s supposed to be this way
The takeaway for teen 2: My friend’s parents are like mine
The takeaway for any adult listening: All kids who complain about their parents are just being rebellious
So I was on the train and this little girl (about 5years old) was sitting across from me, her mother had her headphones in and was ignoring the little girl.
The girl was rambling about random things and started playing i spy with no one.
She then said “I spy with my little eye something that’s green” and I pointed at my shirt that was green.
She smiled and said “I spy something that’s white” and I pointed to my white shoes, she then said the colour red and at first I couldn’t find anything red so I pulled out a red school book from my bag.
This continued for a few turns and then she said brown, I looked around me and in my bag but couldn’t find anything, the girl still expecting me to find something brown started looking around too when the man two rows down pulled out a brown phone case and pointed to it.
The young girl then said blue and another lady pointed to her bracelet, we all silently continued playing until the whole train carriage was playing along, the whole time her mother didn’t even realise.
Wow this is so sad and so heartwarming at the same time
When I was a child, from the time I was about four and could understand things, my mom told me and my brother that we should have a secret word. That way, if we were ever in trouble or felt unsafe and we didn’t want the people around us to know we needed her to come get us, we could let her know. So she let us pick the word and my brother and I chose the phrase “peanut butter cups.” (I’m happy to share the phrase now since both my brother and I are adults now).
I used the phrase twice in my life. Once, I was at a friends house when I eight years old. Her dad got really drunk and was throwing things against the wall. I was really scared and I didn’t want to draw attention to myself on the phone when I called my mom to come get me because I didn’t know if he would get more violent if I asked her to come get me. So I called her and was calm and after a couple minutes I asked “Hey mommy, did you get me those peanut butter cups from the store?” And she said “I’ll be right there.” And she came and got me within minutes.
Second, I was a teenager spending the night at a friends house. Her brother and dad were drinking and they started talking about things that made me uncomfortable – ie: what they liked to do to women. My friend didn’t seem perturbed and said that was normal for them and that I shouldn’t worry. But I was worried because they were really drunk and I was 15 and the only ‘woman’ around that wasn’t related to them. I went in my friends room, told her I needed to call my mom and say goodnight. Before I hung up with her I asked “Next time we go to the store, can we get some peanut butters cups? I’ve been craving them.” And she came and got me, just like that.
Two incidents, one as a young child, one years later as a teen. Don’t discredit this stuff, it fucking works. My brother used it a few times too. Let your child pick the word and no never, ever, ever, ever get mad at them for using it no matter what it is.
So I was out to eat and this child(maybe 3 years old) in the booth next to us started crying loudly. The mom tried to calm him down but he started to go into tantrum mode and fussed even more. So she picked him up and walked out of the restaurant to a bench outside our window. We could hear her ask him, “look at me, what’s upsetting you?” To which he responded with more crying. So she says, “Well you’re clearly overwhelmed, so we’re going to sit out here and take a break until you can compose yourself and tell me what’s wrong.” Which is exactly what happened after a couple minutes. Anyways I just think it’s so good to speak to your children in a logical, respectful manner instead of shushing them and leaving them to deal with their stress alone.
this is such a surreal way to calm a child down like is a three year old really going to understand you like that ….
Yes, if it’s what they’re used to. It has to be consistent though, you can’t, like, suddenly start doing it one day and expect them to understand.
It also helps if you kind of narrate your own emotions when you’re upset even just over little things, like ‘oh! I just can’t get this to lay flat, but I really want to! I got mad because I couldn’t get it to work, and that’s frustrating!’
It feels silly at first, but it models it for them and helps them understand how to communicate (and recognize) their own emotions.
I think I reblogged the original post before, but I love and appreciate the further explanation. All in all this is a great practice, but some parents either don’t do it consistently, or aren’t taking in other factors (like, can your child process your words right now? Sometimes they can’t because EMOTIONS!) OR they do this without removing them from the stressor/stressful situation, and then their kid is overwhelmed and has no idea what their parent is saying to them. You need to look at your kid and make sure they’re taking in your words, and also not expect them to respond like an adult would.
You can also easily simplify the language, to something like “Hey what’s going on?” or “let’s get some space”/”I’m going to give you space” or “let’s take a break and take some deep breaths”
I’ve seen parents who just totally take this and start speaking to their children in ways that their child legitimately cannot understand, not necessarily because of their age, but because they have no context, or are too overwhelmed by outside factors, OR because their parents are expecting them to process words they’re not used to (consistency and modeling are key) and then demanding an adult response. That’s stressful. Using this kind of language with kids is GREAT to get your kids more in touch with their emotions and actions, but it’s important that you’re doing it correctly, paying attention to how your child responds, and providing them with a model in your own actions and interactions.
I work in education and how that parent in the first post helped their child calm down is exactly what we do when I work in preK through 1st grade classrooms.
I also do this with my own children and it ‘s incredibly helpful. Small children are able to tell you what’s wrong and tell you how they feel if they’re given the tools to do so.
Common mistakes parents make:
-Assuming this will work right away. It won’t. It takes time for kids to get used to this. Parents/families need to use this frequently, consistently, and using language children can understand.
-By not staying calm themselves. This will not work if you let your own emotions/frustrations get in the way. When this happens frustrated parents want the kids to ‘hurry up and tell them what’s wrong’. Kids can tell you’re upset/frustrated/impatient. This can make things worse. You as a parent/caregiver need to remain calm as well.
-Use language that the child doesn’t understand (as Enog mentioned above). Use language that your child CAN understand. A big thing you need to do even when your child isn’t upset is to identify feelings. Do this all the time. When a child can’t identify emotions, they have a hard time dealing with them. Use accessible language and model identifying as well as healthy ways to deal with various emotions.
-Failing to remove the child from a stressful situation. This is a VERY COMMON mistake parents and caregivers make. Young children in particular have a hard time focusing/calming down when overwhelmed. Some parents/caregivers expect the child to calm down while overwhelmed get frustrated with the child when this method doesn’t work. Be sure to remove your child from the stressful situation or stimulus before asking them to tell you what is wrong.
Many people won’t get it right the first time. Recognizing the frequent mistakes above will help parents/caregivers from making these errors.
My mom was also taught in my brothers daycare that you can start communicating with kids under 4 to get them used to communicating and to try and make the world seem less chaotic. They would tell the kids if they were going to stop playing in 10 minutes or change their diapers or eat or whatever. And as strange as it sounds that toddlers actually became less fussy and it really made the parents start paying attention to their kids and making sure that they were communicating. I’ve seen so many young kids have a tantrum because their parent just picks them up from playing and takes them instead of giving them a five or ten minute warning that might have made it so there was no problem at all. I’m sure it would set them up for everything mentioned in this post. I hate people that act like you shouldn’t communicate with kids or try and help them understand what’s going on around them, I just always think of how overwhelming and scary being a kid, and especially a very young child, can be.
^Important. 😀
Omg it’s so important to talk to kids about what’s going on even if they’re newborns and you think they can’t understand, at some point (long before they can talk themselves) they do and they learn that their feelings, needs and boundaries matter, that they’re people not objects to be moved about and acted upon
Research shows babies understand the gist of what parents are saying as early as six months. Explaining things to babies and toddlers like they’re real people who can understand you (which they are) is incredibly powerful and good for their brain and social development! For example, I was recently hanging out with parents who are really good at this. The one year old was fussing as my friend tried to get him to eat, and so she communicated everything she was doing with him. “I see that you don’t want the apple sauce right now. Is your tummy full? Let’s try the noodles. No, I can see you’re making a face, so I don’t think you want those. How about your bottle?” Etc. This starts an early precedent of clear communication and showing that you care and understand a child’s needs. Even when I was saying goodbye to the family, that kiddo clearly had no idea what was going on, and mom still made a point to say, “Sequoia is going home now, so we say goodbye. Bye Sequoia!” instead of saying bye without involving him.
Not Yelling At Children is Better Than Yelling At Children, More At 11
Water is wet? We been knew?
Every time you fucking morons dismiss these things as obvious. Every time you show that for all your “concern”, you know nothing about how these things work.
No matter how obvious, there being studies matters, because next time, when people are denouncing bad parenting and they are asked for scientific proof, instead of saying “Water is wet? We been knew?”, they can point to the study that legitimizes and proves it, and they can say “here’s the evidence, shitheads, now start being good fucking parents/acknowledging the bad that you cause”.
Your church-going, God-worshipping sister adopted a small child and you’re excited to see them. But when you do, the child is a menace. They’re throwing things everywhere, setting furniture on fire with seemingly nothing, chanting in Latin to summon demons, but the weirdest thing is that your sister doesn’t seem to mind.
“You literally adopted the antichrist, Anne. What the fuck.”
“Yeah, I knew when I saw him at the orphanage. I figured if the kid had some decent fucking parenting that we could avoid the whole ‘Revelations’ shite. Nasty business, that.”
George, who’s name has been kindly changed from Damien, approaches his new mother with a huge spider in his hands. It promptly bursts into flames.
“Good job, love. Now go find the rest.” George’s face makes no expression, but his eyes shine when he recieves a pat on the head for his efforts.
As the months go by, George seems to settle down. He adjusts to school, friends, and the positive reinforcement Anne gives him. She encourages the good he does, even though the powers he uses aren’t “good”. When she gets calls from the school, it’s about a rambunctious boy that won’t sit still. Not a destroyer of the world and innocence.
It’s at Christmas dinner, that you let slip your amazement to your mother. How good Anne is for him and how he’s improved a lot. Still summoning hellhounds for games of fetch, though.
“Oh, he’ll forget how to do that when he falls in love the first time,” Your mother laughs, smiling wide.
“How do you know that,” you ask bewildered.
“Because, you did.”
okay so someone please write the story of the family of super-low-key holy warriors who have made it their mission to locate the antichrist in every generation (because when one gets spoiled they try AGAIN) and adopt them and love them into not being the antichrist anymore, thus perpetually delaying the apocalypse
delaying the apocalypse via good parenting I love this
Your church-going, God-worshipping sister adopted a small child and you’re excited to see them. But when you do, the child is a menace. They’re throwing things everywhere, setting furniture on fire with seemingly nothing, chanting in Latin to summon demons, but the weirdest thing is that your sister doesn’t seem to mind.
“You literally adopted the antichrist, Anne. What the fuck.”
“Yeah, I knew when I saw him at the orphanage. I figured if the kid had some decent fucking parenting that we could avoid the whole ‘Revelations’ shite. Nasty business, that.”
George, who’s name has been kindly changed from Damien, approaches his new mother with a huge spider in his hands. It promptly bursts into flames.
“Good job, love. Now go find the rest.” George’s face makes no expression, but his eyes shine when he recieves a pat on the head for his efforts.
As the months go by, George seems to settle down. He adjusts to school, friends, and the positive reinforcement Anne gives him. She encourages the good he does, even though the powers he uses aren’t “good”. When she gets calls from the school, it’s about a rambunctious boy that won’t sit still. Not a destroyer of the world and innocence.
It’s at Christmas dinner, that you let slip your amazement to your mother. How good Anne is for him and how he’s improved a lot. Still summoning hellhounds for games of fetch, though.
“Oh, he’ll forget how to do that when he falls in love the first time,” Your mother laughs, smiling wide.
“How do you know that,” you ask bewildered.
“Because, you did.”
okay so someone please write the story of the family of super-low-key holy warriors who have made it their mission to locate the antichrist in every generation (because when one gets spoiled they try AGAIN) and adopt them and love them into not being the antichrist anymore, thus perpetually delaying the apocalypse
delaying the apocalypse via good parenting I love this
There’s nothing more ugly than the culture of having children for the sake of having them. Too many people ask “do you want kids?” but not enough ask “are you ready for the emotional, physical, and financial sacrifices you will have to make to raise children?” It’s so ugly to me that people treat kids like a commodity, like a dress or a pair of earrings they just throw on. How dare you? That’s not a new car you can get bored of or discard in a few years, that is a person, and particularly a person who will absolutely be dependent on you for emotional support, financial support, discipline, and leadership; someone who you will have power of virtually every portion of their lives until they’re ready to be adults, who you will impact in irreversible ways, who will look to you for the rest of YOUR life and theirs for explanations about life and how they turned out to be who they are, for better or for worse. If you say you “want kids” but you’re “not sure if you could handle” them needing time and attention, costing you money, or you’re “not sure you can handle” if they turn out gay, or disabled, or transgender, or any other myriad of things that don’t really make your child any less of a person but which an ugly society can have ugly views on, etc. then you don’t deserve to have children. If you “want children” but haven’t thought about literally having to be there for them for virtually everything they will go through and ask of you, you’re not adult enough to have them.
And what’s so insidious about many of these same people is that they are the ones making their children feel guilty that they fed them, housed them, and basically didn’t let them die, as if this is some meritorious act, as if parents aren’t supposed to raise their children and not kill and starve them, as if they are some type of martyr that deserves praise for doing the bare minimum.
wupacing 