Dear people who say statements like the above scare away good men,
It fucking doesn’t.
When I started dating my current boyfriend we talked for 6 hours on our first date and 7 hours on our second. We talked about a shit ton of different topics, and one of those topics was politics and the #metoo movement. We talked about sexual harassment and sexual assault.
Every step along the way towards us having sex he asked for my consent. The first day we actually had sex he made sure I was ready and checked in on me several times to make sure I was still enjoying myself. He was amazing.
I had men who were trying to flirt with me grab at me before I even knew who they were. I’ve had creepy old men decide giving me a shoulder massage while I was sitting down the perfect way they could introduce themselves. That is the type of touching we want to stop.
Any of the guys that are scared off by women saying “don’t touch us unless we ask” are the exact type of guys that need to learn about consent, women’s bodily autonomy and personal space.
If you are concerned that becoming friends with a women in the Me Too era will read to someone accusing you of sexual harassment, you need to rethink how you interact with women.
I have a bunch of guy friends, and none of them are afraid I’m going to accuse them of anything. Do you know why? We are friends. We treat each other with respect. Any of them can hug me goodbye or put their arm around me and I know they won’t touch me inappropriately. But when we first met that wasn’t true. We built a friendship of trust.
I am a hugger, I like hugging people. My friends know this about me, but when I meet new people I always ask them if it is okay that I hug them. I have had people say no, and I respect that and do not hug them.
It is not hard to ask for consent.
Looking back on my first date with my ex, not asking for consent is a danger sign.
He’s tall, I’m short. We met online, then got together at a local Chili’s for our first date. In the parking lot, walking to the restaurant, he put an arm around me and said something like, “I just want to try” or “Let me see.” Then he leaned down and kissed me.
I didn’t want a kiss. (I didn’t realize at the time that I’m asexual, but that’s neither here nor there.) But I was shocked, and women are socially conditioned to be pleasing and accommodating – to go along with whatever men want – so I just laughed it off like it was a cute test to see how our difference in height would work.
But through the six years we were together, he never wanted my consent.
Oh, he wanted me to say I’d have sex with him, even when I didn’t want to. He harassed, guilted, bargained, and intimidated me into “consenting” because I was his girlfriend/wife and that’s what girlfriends/wives do – they spread their legs for their husbands.
So please, learn from my mistakes: If he doesn’t look for your consent from day 1, run like hell and don’t look back. He’s not worth it.
Shout out to all my straight sisters I’m so sorry 😞
Jesus, leave his ass.
We learn fast to be very kind and attentive, tho.
My mom, who got her degree in Marriage and Family Counseling when she was 60, says studies show that women will sometimes sometimes leave a long term relationship to live on their own for a while before seeking a new relationship, but men will almost never leave a long term relationship without having a new relationship either in progress or just beginning. They don’t want to give up the caretaker they have without another one on deck or in the wings.
This is so sad
This isnt cute or quirky. This means hes a fucking hopeless user
Please date a man who actually acts like an adult.
Ok I lived with my ex for 2 years and he literally wouldn’t be able to get his own food if I wasn’t at home, I’d get home from work and he’d be angry at me for “making him starve”
My current partner has lived on his own for 8 years and the absolute most I have to help him with is maybe sending him $20 so he can make a bill payment on time
It made me realise for 2-4 years I wasn’t a girlfriend I was a fucking mother
Men who have been independent are capable of reverting if given the slightest excuse. When we married, my ex husband was 10 years older than me and had lived on his own for 8ish years. Yet (and I allowed this until I finally got fed up and took us to counseling) I did 80% of the cooking, because I was better at it. Same with the cleaning, shopping, social planning, etc.
After I left, in the first six months I got texts or calls asking me to please tell him:
The online banking password (dude, I left you, you should really change that)
Where I ordered his special-wecial organic underwear
Where the good cutting board was (my dad gave it to us at our wedding, genius, I took it with me along with the rest of the stuff from my family)
What brand butter we bought
What brand of local kielbasa we bought
Who his doctor was
What RMV office had the shortest lines
Where the old tax returns were (in the fucking box labeled tax returns)
The phone number for his best friend
I shit you not.
Then he had a heart attack (mild) and none of his family or friends were around to take him to the hospital. But instead of calling 911, he called me, who by then lived 45 minutes away. He lived 5 minutes from an EMS dispatch location. He called me, despite the fact that he didn’t believe me 8 months prior when I was feeling suicidal and I had to call a cab to go alone to check myself into the hospital for a 72-hour hold. I told him to call 911, hung up on him when he whined about “making a fuss”, called 911, called his siblings and then texted them “your brother is having a heart attack, I called 911 for him, come home,” and washed my hands of it.
Emotionally vacant men who won’t do household labor or emotional labor are not Nazis, but they aren’t good people, either, and you don’t have to put up with their shit.
Millennial women of Tumblr, please read this post.
And then please: make the decision for yourself to never stay with a man who expects you to be his mother and servant.
I grew up in a poly household. My mother was married to two men who loved her dearly and they were the best of friends. I use past tense due to the fact that one of my fathers passed away a few years back.
I grew up in one of the most stable, loving households I can imagine. I had tons of support from all three of my parents, I never felt alone, and I never felt confused about my parents relationship.
Were other people confused when I told them about my parents? Sure. Did it take some time for them to understand my parents relationship? Yep. And the reaction I got every single time from other kids once they understood? “That’s so awesome!”
Growing up in a poly house did not hurt me, confuse me, or make my life difficult. It sure as hell wasn’t abusive.
Healthy poly relationships do not hurt children.
I really want some more recognition for poly relationships. This is a lovely post and a step in the right direction. Couples consisting of two people can be dysfunctional. It’s not just poly relationships.
Shout out to all my straight sisters I’m so sorry 😞
Jesus, leave his ass.
We learn fast to be very kind and attentive, tho.
My mom, who got her degree in Marriage and Family Counseling when she was 60, says studies show that women will sometimes sometimes leave a long term relationship to live on their own for a while before seeking a new relationship, but men will almost never leave a long term relationship without having a new relationship either in progress or just beginning. They don’t want to give up the caretaker they have without another one on deck or in the wings.
This is so sad
This isnt cute or quirky. This means hes a fucking hopeless user
Please date a man who actually acts like an adult.
Ok I lived with my ex for 2 years and he literally wouldn’t be able to get his own food if I wasn’t at home, I’d get home from work and he’d be angry at me for “making him starve”
My current partner has lived on his own for 8 years and the absolute most I have to help him with is maybe sending him $20 so he can make a bill payment on time
It made me realise for 2-4 years I wasn’t a girlfriend I was a fucking mother
Men who have been independent are capable of reverting if given the slightest excuse. When we married, my ex husband was 10 years older than me and had lived on his own for 8ish years. Yet (and I allowed this until I finally got fed up and took us to counseling) I did 80% of the cooking, because I was better at it. Same with the cleaning, shopping, social planning, etc.
After I left, in the first six months I got texts or calls asking me to please tell him:
The online banking password (dude, I left you, you should really change that)
Where I ordered his special-wecial organic underwear
Where the good cutting board was (my dad gave it to us at our wedding, genius, I took it with me along with the rest of the stuff from my family)
What brand butter we bought
What brand of local kielbasa we bought
Who his doctor was
What RMV office had the shortest lines
Where the old tax returns were (in the fucking box labeled tax returns)
The phone number for his best friend
I shit you not.
Then he had a heart attack (mild) and none of his family or friends were around to take him to the hospital. But instead of calling 911, he called me, who by then lived 45 minutes away. He lived 5 minutes from an EMS dispatch location. He called me, despite the fact that he didn’t believe me 8 months prior when I was feeling suicidal and I had to call a cab to go alone to check myself into the hospital for a 72-hour hold. I told him to call 911, hung up on him when he whined about “making a fuss”, called 911, called his siblings and then texted them “your brother is having a heart attack, I called 911 for him, come home,” and washed my hands of it.
Emotionally vacant men who won’t do household labor or emotional labor are not Nazis, but they aren’t good people, either, and you don’t have to put up with their shit.
“Obviously ‘bihet’ offends a lot of bisexuals, so we need to come up with a better term for bisexuals in m/f relationships.”
How about… and hear me out… this may sound crazy…. but you… continue to call us bisexual… because (and I realize this gets confusing for you people so read this next part slowly) it turns out we continue to be bisexual regardless of who we’re dating.
Okay, this shit gets me all heated up. I’m just a cisgay dude up in here, but I have Some Opinions about this nonsense.
Bisexual people in relationships with folks of the other gender are not only themselves still bisexual (I’m really ashamed of a bunch of all that this shit even needs to be said, like c’mon), but their relationships are queer.
Yes, I just said that straight people can be involved in queer relationships without they themselves being queer.
The reason for this is simple: folks who are in relationships with queer people will always have to deal with their partner’s marginalization impacting their relationship. Always. Even if their bisexual partner chooses to be entirely stealth about their queerness (and that’s their right, by gods, fight me about it), their relationship is still impacted by that very choice existing. It’s a facet heterosexual relationships never have to negotiate.
Frankly, bisexual folks have to deal with active marginalization from multiple angles: heterocentrist and homocentrist. And in case I actually have to say this aloud? We should not be fucking marginalizing our own, y’all. That makes you a bad person, and you should feel bad.
To sum up: Bisexual folks are queer as hell. Straight folks can be in queer relationships without themselves ever being queer. And FFS please stop harassing bi- and pan-folks already, man. It’s 2018. Find hobbies that are not shitty.
I love this addition to my post so much thank you.
So many horrific stories of abuse start with “he was great until we got married” and that’s honestly so fucking upsetting because it’s relatively normal.
Like so many women are so, so careful before they commit to a man in any way because he could turn out to be a horrible abuser. They find one they think is different, one they think they can trust, and as soon as they’re legally bound to him he turns out to be exactly what they feared he would be.
That’s horrible.
And, I can say from personal experience, it is embarrassing to get divorced almost immediately after being married. No one cares about how long you were together beforehand or what happened, they just think “Oh it only lasted a year, she’s so irresponsible”. On top of it being exceedingly difficult to get help from the police or other legal assistance(especially if you live together, share funds, children, property, etc.), there’s a heavy stigma that comes with it, only isolating abuse victims further.
I’m trying to think of something to say other than “boycott marriage” because I know that’s not realistic, but at the very least, please support divorced women.
By “support divorced women” I mean:
– don’t make us justify why we got divorced and don’t feel entitled to the details of what happened.
– don’t contribute to the stigma around divorced women that says we’re irresponsible, or that something must be wrong with us.
– If a woman close to you is getting divorced, don’t guilt her into apologizing or going back to her husband. If she’s the one filing, don’t make her question why she wants the divorce.
And stop insisting he was a good man just because he was polite in your presence.
Or they need a girlfriend that doesn’t mind listening and trying to help them work through their shit and defeat their fucking demons without asking them to pour out their soul to a stranger who is only listening because it’s their job. That’s the kind of shit you do for the people you love.
your partner is not your therapist. listening to your partner is one thing, but it is not their responsibility to help you work through your shit. that is on you.
one more time.
your partner is not your therapist.
also if I may hop onto this, I REALLY hate when people try to spin “therapists only listen because it’s their job” as a BAD thing. can you imagine if we tried to apply that to literally any other profession?
“why take your phone into the store to get it fixed? they don’t care about you, they’re only doing their job.”
“I don’t want to order a pizza. they’re not making it for me out of the goodness of their hearts, they’re only doing it because it’s their job.”
“why didn’t you just have your girlfriend do that surgery instead of going to a stranger who only saved your life because it’s their job?”
it’s their job because they are better equipped to do it than the other people in your life. jesus christ.
also, if I may add: it’s not the therapist’s job to love you.
a lot – A LOT – of people conflate emotional vulnerability with love. they think that being open about your problems is something you only do with friends and family. so paying someone to be open with sounds wrong because it’s like paying someone to be your girlfriend or your mom.
but that’s fundamentally misunderstanding the point of a therapist.
the therapist’s job is to identify issues and help you develop methods to cope with them. that’s it. being open is necessary, not because they need to love you, but because you need to be honest if you want them to be able to accurately figure out what’s wrong.
you don’t need to be in love with your doctor to tell them that you are having heart problems or unexplained pain. your lawyer doesn’t need to be part of your family for you to tell them your legal issues. it’s the same with your therapist – their job is to help, not to love.
The “friend zone” and unrequited love are not the same thing. Unrequited love is, “I love you, you don’t love me in that same way, I am sad about that.” The “friend zone” is, “I love you, you don’t love me in that same way, you have therefore wronged me.”
Unrequited love is, “My unilateral crush is my problem.” The “friend zone” is, “My unilateral crush is your problem.”
I thought this might be irrelevant to me but it’s got great advice on what to do when someone ignores something that you tell them repeatedly that you hate/makes you uncomfortable/feel like shit
wupacing 