Not too long ago, my friend Bella came out as aromantic to me, and now I’ve got some things to say.
I was the one who told her what aromantic means, because I was explaining different sexual orientations to her. I remember saying, “Asexualiy is when you have romantic attraction, but no sexual attraction.”
Bella immedently, without missing a beat, asked, “Is there an opposite to that?”
I asked what she meant, and she asked if there was a term for sexual attraction but no romantic attraction. I told her about aromantics. She got weirdly quiet, then excused herself.
Not two weeks later I was heading to my boat. I was supposed to meet Bella and another one of our muteral friends there for a day of fishing.
As soon as I was in earshot, I saw Bella storming off the boat, and our other friend standing there like an idiot. Boi had no idea what was happening.
Anyway, Bella isn’t looking where she’s going and walks smack dab into me. That’s when I realized she was crying. Puffy red eyes, wet cheeks, the whole nine yards… And if you know anything about Bells, she does not cry. Ever.
She’s been through some serious crap in her life, and she does not cry. She’s tough as nails. Bella has a steel core. She does not not cry. I’ve seen her fall off a roof and break her arm before, not a single tear. I can’t stress this enough, Bella. Doesn’t. Cry.
So seeing her in tears shook me. I took her by the shoulders and escorted her somewhere more private where we could talk. We ended up in the women’s restroom, which was weird as fuck for me, because haven’t been in a woman’s rest room for years. Luckily it was empty, and I’m realistic, I know I don’t pass so well, so I don’t think anyone would have said anything anyway.
Before I can even ask her what’s wrong she hugs me around my middle and burys her face in my hoodie. Then, in a voice I can only describe as traumatized, she says, “I think I’m broken.”
I’ve never seen her in so much pain, and Bella and I are CLOSE. She’s one of my dearest friends. She’s like my little sister, but if she’s like my sister, our other muteral friend is like her twin. He and Bella have know each other WAY longer, they’re practically inseparable. They come as a pair. They’re a duo. They’re a package deal.
Appearently, said muteral friend asked Bella out and forcefully kissed her. She shoved him off, and told him she’s aromantic, which she only recently figured out. She wasn’t ready to be out, but this muteral friend left her no choice. She tried telling him no, and he didn’t listen. Bella saw no other option.
Quote on quote, this is what he said to Bella. “That’s okay. You just haven’t dated me yet. We’ve been like, unofficially together for years. You’re probably just freaked out that it’s finally going somewhere.”
After that I’m not 100% clear on what happened, but apparently Bella kept saying no Nd trying to explain herself, but he kept insisting he could ‘fix her.’
Eventudally she started crying and stormed away. That’s when I found her.
Keep in mind, this was her first experience coming out, and her best, closest friend insisted he could fix her and forcefully kissed her. I found out later he also implied corrective rape would ‘solve the problem.’
Bella was traumatized. She’s still traumatized. I tried to make her feel better by buying her an aro pride shirt, and taking her go a local LGBTQ+ hang out. I wanted her to be around like minded people, so she could see she wasn’t broken, and her identity deserved to be respected.
Instead of a warm, welcoming environment… The first thing someone said to her was, “This place is for REAL lgbt people. You don’t belong here.” He also implied she wasn’t human.
Just think about that for a minute. Her first experiences with being an out aromantic have been limited to;
A person she trusted more than anyone forcing himself upon her, claiming she was ill, and needed to be fixed. (Raped.)
Sobbing in my arms in the women’s restroom because she thought she was broken and defective.
Being told she wasn’t welcomed in LGBTQ+ spaces and called inhuman.
This isn’t what I want for her. Bella deserves better than this. She needs a support system, not all this crap. I’ve spent the past week trying to undo all the damage exclusionists, arophobes, and people she trusted did.
Aromantics and asexuals belong in the LGBTQ+ community. You literally cannot change my mind.
Did I already queue this? Dunno. But let me say that I’ve never stood by while gatekeepers try to well, gatekeep.
I didn’t put up with it as a teenager really into sci-fi, I didn’t put up with it from the dude bros in game and comic shops, and I certainly won’t stand for it in my LGBT+ community.
being gay has changed almost all of my/my friends interactions with the rest of society so PLEASE stop saying it “makes you no different” and “it doesn’t affect you” and “everyone is the same”. this is a childish, ineffective way to address internalized homophobia.
your intentions are good, but you’re erasing years of trauma, abuse and isolation within gay populations caused by homophobic violence.
closeted or not, every gay person has had their interactions with others shaped by fear of homophobic retaliation. it’s not as simple as “they like the same sex”. it’s cultural. it’s beaten into us from reading age to reject “gayness” and femininity.
gay people do act differently from straight people, not because they are gay, but because they are raised in a society that rejects them, even before they know they’re different.
Yep! Your clitoris can get hard and swollen when you’re turned on. That can happen during sex, masturbation, or even just from seeing or hearing something sexy.
The clitoris is a pretty interesting part of the body. Basically it’s only known purpose is to make you feel awesome. The tip of the clitoris is located at the top of your vulva (where your inner lips meet) and is covered by a little hood. The outside part of the clit can be smaller than a pea, or as big a thumb.
This outside part is just the beginning of the clitoris though. It extends inside your body, back and down on both sides of the vagina. This part, called the shaft and crura (roots and legs), is about 5 inches long.
if your stomach’s sensitive because of anxiety, by all means spread out the food you eat over the course of the day instead of having large meals, just don’t…not eat. you will go into hypoglycemic shock and that will suck.
By the way, symptoms include:
Shakiness.
Nervousness or anxiety.
Sweating, chills and clamminess.
Irritability or impatience.
Confusion, including delirium.
Rapid/fast heartbeat.
Lightheadedness or dizziness.
Hunger and nausea.
(because of the nausea, eating might not feel like the thing to do at first. I’d suggest drinking a coke or something.)
I’ve dealt with sugar crashes before and I’ve collapsed and whited out. I’ve had friends do it too. If you think you’re going into hypoglycemic shock, and if there’s anyone else near by, tell them you think it’s happening, even if you’re not prone or it’s never happened before. If your’e alone, make your way slowly to the kitchen/wherever you have food/drinks. The standard rule is to take in 15 oz of a sugary drink (orange juice and soda–not diet–are the best) and wait 15 minutes to see if it’s over, then keep doing that until your sugar is stabilized. Then you can eat. If you think you’re about to collapse, especially if you start to feel dizzy, sit down and lay down or lean against something. Don’t risk injury, it’s better to pass out while you’re laying down than it is to collapse and hurt yourself.
*points at this more educated person*
If you are having trouble eating please keep in mind the BRATY diet. Bananas, Rice, Apple sauce, Toast, and (sometimes) Yogurt. These foods have been shown to be harder to throw up. By no means should this be the primary diet, but this can assist in the between times when it’s harder to keep things down.
this was really helpful
As someone who has a super nervous stomach this is super useful!!
I grew up hearing the phrase “you never stick with anything, what’s the point” a lot. I’ve always been attracted towards seemingly disconnected interests, and gone through phases of being really into something. But eventually my interest would fade and I would move onto something else.
Or at least that’s always how it’s been phrased for me, by others. Now I realize that my interest for the old thing didn’t fade so much as my interest for something new outshined it, and that’s vastly different.
I was always made to feel bad about it, with every abandoned endeavour I was told I needed to stop starting things if I wasn’t going to stick with them. I was told I was wasting time and money picking up these random interests and abandoning them after a year.
So eventually, I stopped picking things up. I told myself “what’s the point, I’m going to give up in a year anyway”. Even worse, I started dismissing every new interest, because I had no way of knowing if my interest was “real” enough or just another passing phase. I stopped trying new things, I stopped looking up stuff that piqued my curiosity, and having chronic depression made it really easy to leave everything on the dirty floor of neglected ideas. The more they piled up, the more depressing it was. All these things that could be nice, but I just can’t take care of them.
I realize now how bullshit that kind of thinking is. So what if I stopped doing karate after a year? That’s one more year of karate than most people I know. And in that year I learned discipline, I learned to listen to a teacher, something I had never done before in all my years of private education. I learned the true meaning of respect, that it’s something you do out of faith at first and maintain as it’s reciprocated, not something you do blindly and regardless of how you’re treated.
It gave me the foundation for the determination and grounding I needed to practice yoga. Another year. Not enough to be good at it maybe, but again a year more than most people I know and a year that is not lost, but gained. I learned balance, I learned to listen to my body, I learned how to let go of emotional tightness through physical stretching.
And then iaido, only a few weeks because I couldn’t afford to keep going. The year of yoga I had done a couple years previous had given me a better starting point than the other newcomers to the class. I already had balance, I had strength in my legs and I had better posture. In those months I learned the importance of precision, the true definition of efficacy, the zen state that is incessant repetition.
Did I practice long enough to get good at iaido, and yoga, and karate? No. Of course not. It takes years to become proficient and decades to master any of those things, but I learned other skills and those skills were an invaluable part of my growth both spiritually and emotionally. Likewise for my forays into painting, sewing, graphic design, film. I’m a photography student now heading into my second year of school, and every single second of practice I have in those other disciplines has given me more experience in those areas and made learning easier.
Skills carry over. They intersect and connect in ways that are sometimes unexpected. Nothing is ever lost, experience is never a waste of time or worthless or stupid. Allow your focus to wander, reflect on what you learn, and consider how you can keep using it in other aspects of your life. Stop telling people their interests aren’t worth their time.
I thought this might be irrelevant to me but it’s got great advice on what to do when someone ignores something that you tell them repeatedly that you hate/makes you uncomfortable/feel like shit
“Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation. If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.
It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged.”
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EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ THIS.
Depression is not a synonym for being sad or having a bad day/bad week.
all of this and especially “So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation.”
Once we stop denying colorism, address it on it’s head, and stop dismissing dark skin individuals especially dark skin women who vent about the affects of colorism this stuff can stop happening.
wupacing 