You know what cracky trash AU I could totally be down for? Hela using up a massive amount of her power and smashing back through whatever awful place Odin banished her to, so… like… she’s still magical and clever and strong, but her power level has been wrecked to “normal Asgardian” levels at least by breaking free. Maybe lower.
So, Hela breaks back into Asgard and tries to steal some of Odin’s treasures to make up for her slowly regenerating powers, but she can’t manage it. Too many guards on the vault or something. So, out of her mind with pain and fury, Hela steals Odin’s “true” treasures instead: kid!Thor and kid!Loki. (Hela has never forgiven her father for marrying that peace-loving witch of a woman. I hc Frigga as Hela’s step-mom, btw. (link to that post))
By some insane order of events, Hela manages to get away from Asgard with the equivalent of, like, a 13-yr-old Thor and a 10-yr-old Loki. Only… what the hell is Hela going to do with them? Use them as hostages? She’s weak enough that they can basically dogpile her to keep her from doing things and it works, and they’re such clever know-it-all shits. The only thing Hela can really do with her magic right now is hide them from Heimdall and his Sight, she can’t access the Bifrost, and she has no idea where they ended up. She was busy running for it while being chased by all of Asgard, thanks, and now her shitty asshole little brothers aren’t even bothering to pretend to be scared of her.
It’s bad enough that the bigger one keeps trying to fight her (even weakened to that of the average civilian, Hela is warrior enough to kick his ass, although the lightning trick is fucking annoying, she can’t taste her tongue), the smaller one with the decent grasp on illusion magic keeps trying to stab her in any and all sides while she’s distracted.
While arguing and fighting on this unknown planet, the three of them eventually stumble into Big Trouble of some kind or another. (What’s this? Vulnerable children of the All-Father? Yum.) Hela and her kid brothers have to put aside their differences to run for their lives. (They’re her hostages, damn it, she can’t let them die or call for help.) Through another insane order of events, Hela, Thor, and Loki end up on the run through the galaxy, accidentally getting involved in multiple plots, coups, revolutions, heists, and parties across multiple planets while trying to respectively evade the Asgardians also chasing them or get home. They leave so much chaos in their wake.
(Loki: “HE started it!”
Hela: “I don’t care who started the revolution! I’m ending it!”
Thor: *scoffs* “With what powers?”
Hela: “Shut up! You! I told you not to drink that stuff, but noooo-”)
Seriously, give me the trashiest, most crack-filled, wildest Kidnapping-Turned-Runaway-Road-Trip (turned Babysitting Gig from Hell) of a depowered Hela and her know-it-all hostages little brothers while some of the galaxy’s Biggest Bads try to catch the All-Father’s children while they’re vulnerable. Give me all the absurd, horrifying nonsense of a group of disaster gods screaming their way through surviving monsters.(At some point, kid!Loki stabs Thanos or someone equivalent in the ass. Because I need that to happen. It’s the highest point of Thanos that Loki could reach while the dude was threatening his brother. Thanos didn’t have much time to care about this though, because Hela soon stabbed him in the face like ten times for threatening her little brothers hostages.)
Give me all the bonding and a surprising amount of character development too, though. Hela has to come face to face with what Asgard’s conquering has done, without the power to be able not to care, and Thor realizes what his heritage is built on. Loki gets revealed to be a Frost Giant at some point, but his siblings still love him.
It’s beautiful, especially the part where all three siblings roll back into Asgard and 13-yr-old Thor (who has never had any decent taste in siblings in his life) is covered in ashes and blood but proudly like, “What up, we’re back. My murderous secret sister Hela is good-ish now and I love her!!! I love my Frost Giant brother too!!! Even if he looks like a weasel and eats garbage.”
(Loki: “We were all eating garbage! You ate more than I did!”
Hela: “Ugh. I surrender already. Can I shower yet?”)
In all fairness, it’s possible last time Thor had to speak English on a frequent basis was in the 16th century, but then he’s spent some time here and he has Updated His Language Pack™ now
Can I just say, as odd and as briefly touched upon as it is, I really like Valkyrie’s relationship with Bruce and the Hulk?
Like, I don’t think we’ve ever seen (definitely not in the MCU anyway) someone who made friends with HULK first? I mean, Natasha was flatly terrified of Hulk (part of the reason their ‘romance’ never landed with me), and even Tony was more just sort of… not afraid of Hulk, very much. When Hulk goes on his rampage in AoU, Tony still tries to punch his lights out.
Valkyrie, though, was pals with Hulk. They liked one another. They hung out and played games and did fun stuff. Even though she’d also pretty much sold him for a bounty, Hulk definitely didn’t seem to have a grudge against her. Heck, given Hulk’s sheer power levels, it’s unlikely that Valkyrie tazered him or anything. She probably just talked him into coming along and finding a place where he could ‘smash lots of things’ and people would cheer instead of scream.
Over the two years they knew each other, she left enough of an impression that Bruce was pretty sure he knew her, even though Hulk had him mentally shut off from events for that whole period of time. So we can glean that Hulk himself must have liked her a good deal. We don’t even really see Hulk disparage her or get angry with her like he tends to do with Thor. Admittedly, though, some of that can be chalked up to not seeing a lot of interactions between them. Hulk is surly by nature, so I doubt it was all rainbows and sunshine. But if they did have disagreements, Valkyrie seems to have taken them in stride. She’s not remotely suspicious of Hulk inviting her over or wanting to spend time with her.
And then she made friends with Bruce, after the fact. As weird as it is for her to wrap her head around the Bruce-Hulk dynamic, Bruce was probably having a bit of a mental trip himself over that whole concept. Someone made friends with Hulk and then got to know Bruce afterwards. Valkyrie is not someone he’ll ever have to prepare for the dark realities of Hulk, she watched him fight in coliseum-style matches beating up whoever came out of the gate for two years. She knows Hulk can be brutal, it’s doubtful that many of his opponents actually deserved to be smashed into a pulp.
And Valkyrie herself is pretty harsh in some ways, and dealing with her own demons. While she definitely has the ‘charming scoundrel’ thing down pat, that doesn’t change the fact that that level of drinking is concerning. Even for an Asgardian. She’s an outcast, too, a career one, and given her somewhat heady mix of valour and remorse, I’d say she and Bruce would probably connect a lot on issues of self-loathing and resentment for their lot in life.
Like, I feel like the two of them wouldn’t have to bother with a lot of pretenses between them. Valkyrie could be a messy grief-stricken drunk and Bruce could be a bitter, anxious mess, and Hulk could be Hulk, and they’d all get along just fine anyhow.
Marvel: Are you ready for the GOD of motherFUCKING THUNDER?????? He’s six feet of RAWMUSCLE and his hobbies include SMASHING things with a HUGE, MAGICHAMMER and being a generally SEXY BEAST
The fandom:
10/10 gif usage
The funniest thing is I imagine Diana and Thor would get along very well, and bond over their dads being the head honchos of the gods. Also lightning and thunder! Diana would probably be like a slightly exasperated big sister to Thor at times. Oh and she can 100% lift Mjolnir and wield Stormbreaker.
and we all know how Thor feels about female warriors. he would think Diana is the absolute coolest
Mjolnir? Stormbeaker? If Thor met her he would absolutely gush over her Lasso of truth!! A weapon designed to have one last ditch effort to resolve a situation even when your opponent has already resigned to battle? One last chance to resolve the conflict before anyone has to get hurt? Even just the fact that it can grapple an enemy instead of kill them outright. Thor would be in awe of Wonder Woman. To Thor she is everything a leader should be, brave, strong, wise, and just like Thor she is enamored by humanity despite it’s flaws. Wonder Woman is Thor’s goals personified. She’s the leader he wants to be
Valid addition
Thor could think of all the shit he can get back at Loki with that rope
wupacing 