something that i despise that happens a lot in gay media is where gay character 1 cant come out to their family because of various reasons and gay character 2, who they’re usually in a long term relationship w/ at this point, says some shit like “youre ashamed of me…………..you wont even tell your family about us, about the fact you’re gay…………i dont think i can be in this relationship if you’re going to keep me……a secret…..” and its not called out as being manipulative/abusive as fuck like if someone says something like that to you, you need to get OUT of that relationship immediately
there’s also the trope where gay character’s friend gets mad at the gay character for not telling them they’re gay. like their fucking feelings matter more than the gay person’s safety and comfort.
straight people really do not understand that we would never do/say these kinds of things to each other. ever. we know exactly how much these things hurt.
Addressing the first trope – it can be very damaging for someone who is ready to be out and proud to be forced to stifle the fact that they’re in a relationship. It can cause you to feel shame over what you naturally are.
There are many aspects to the journey of coming out and unfortunately sometimes you need those to coincide with your partner’s in order to continue the relationship 🤷🏼♀️
That doesn’t give you a right to manipulate the situation to tell your partner they must be ashamed of the relationship or etc, what the fuck? If you can’t understand that people cannot all safely come out to their family or in certain situations, you should only seek out and be with people who you know for a fact are 100% out. You cannot manipulate the feelings of another person to center yourself and your need to be 100% out at all times. That’s your responsibility to address if you know that is a hang-up for you.
It is abusive or toxic at the least to pressure your partner, who you know isn’t 100% out, to come out simply to make you feel better. Endangering your partner or gaslighting them in order to make them feel as though they are harming you by protecting themselves is not okay and never will be okay. Like?
about that second one: I feel like its the liberal’s “acceptable” way to be homophobic. Like they normalize the character being upset that someone close to them is gay, but they don’t want that character to seem like a bad person, so they make it about the gay character hiding themselves. its especially egregious when other characters reveal something equally or more shocking and character rolls right past it.
Honestly, if not being out is a dealbreaker for you, then don’t date someone who isn’t out. But don’t do the thing where you come out in the process and then try to force them to as well when they aren’t ready. you always have the option to break up with them (without giving ultimatums and whatnot).
Heard some important information on Twitter today, and thought I’d post it here for anyone who may not have heard it. This is actually a thing, devised by human rights organisation called Karma Nirvana.
or not so friendly since some of y’all don’t know how to fucking act.
•when a retail worker greets you and asks you for help, you can politely decline. there’s no need for the nasty attitude, that’s literally their job.
•check your coupon dates and what they can be used for. your cashier isn’t responsible if your coupon expired or if you chose not to read what it’s actually going to cover.
•speaking of fucking coupons, yes you have to actually show the cashier your coupon.
•don’t haggle. it’s not a yard sale.
•something discontinued or out of stock? has nothing to do with the people that work there. don’t yell at them.
•if you’re looking for a particular item, take a picture of it or write it down. getting frustrated with an employee because you walked in looking for something but gave the most vague details is unfair. companies repackage things constantly and come out with hundreds of products each year.
•yes retail workers do get paid to pick up after a store. but should you leave your coffee cups and gum wrappers around? no, who fucking raised you?
•please watch your children. it’s your job to watch your child, not a retail worker’s.
•not all stock rooms are full of products. most of the time everything is out on the floor.
•don’t hit on retail workers you fucking creep. especially when you know they can’t voice their discomfort. they don’t want you. them being pleasant is part of their job description
a lot of these are common sense and just behaving like a kind and considerate human being. don’t be a dick
Okay, friends, let’s talk about going to protests and weaponizing our whiteness, if in fact we are white.
You know what the protesters who marched with Dr. King wore? Their best. Their clergy stoles, their suits. If you’re a doctor or a nurse? Wear your scrubs. If you’re a parent? Wear your PTA shirt if it’s too hot for a suit. If you’re a student? Dress like you’re going to go volunteer somewhere nice, or wear a t-shirt that proclaims you a member of your high school band, your drama group, your church youth group. Whatever it is, make sure it’s right there with your white face.
This is literally the tactic of the people who marched with King in the 60s, and we need to bring it back, and bring it back HARD.
I do this all the time when I go to marches. I wear my cutest, least-offensive geeky t-shirt, crocs and black pants, or I wear my t-shirt that mentions my kid’s school district, or now I’ll wear the pink t-shirt that says I’m part of the Sisterhood at my shul. If it’s cold enough, I wear a cardigan and jeans and sit my ass in my wheelchair. (I need to anyway.) I put signs on my wheelchair that say things like ‘I love my trans daughter’ and ‘love for all trans children’ or something else that applies to the event. Dress like you are going to an interview if you can, or make yourself look like a parent going to pick up a gallon of milk at the corner store. Make yourself “respectable.” Use respectability politics and whiteness AS A WEAPON.
Fuck yes I will weaponize the fact that I look like a white soccer mom. And you should do this too if you can. Weaponize the fuck out of your whiteness. If you are disabled and comfortable with doing so, turn ableism on its head and weaponize it. Make it so that the cameras that WILL be pointed at you see your whiteness, see your status as a parent, see your status as a community member. See you in your wheelchair or with your cane. If you have privilege or a status that allows you to use it as a weapon or a shield, use it as a shield to defend others or a weapon to break through the bullshit.
This has a fair number of notes, so maybe it’s already been mentioned but …
The “Sunday Best” thing from the Civil Rights Movement of the 50s & 60s, or wearing markers of an assigned profession (e.g. scrubs) is an established tactic of social movements. They’re part of what Charles Tilly (one of the academic god father’s of social movement theory) called “WUNC” displays. WUNC can be broken down to:
worthiness: sober demeanor (!!!); neat clothing (!!!); presence of clergy, dignitaries, and mothers with children;
unity: matching badges, headbands, banners, or costumes (!!!); arching in ranks; singing and chanting;
numbers: headcounts, signatures on petitions, messages from constituents, filling streets;
commitment: braving bad weather; visible participation by the old and handicapped (!!!); resistance to repression; ostentatious sacrifice (!!!), subscription, and/or benefaction. (Tilly, 2004, pg. 4 – tumblr-style emphasis my own)
While I’m very much in support of anti-fascist protesting in whatever form it takes, especially when engaged in a counter-protest, one of the great tragedies of the American political climate right now is that we’ve really forgotten some of the biggest lessons of the Civil Rights Era. King didn’t trot out fresh-faced students, church women in big fancy hats, or the elderly and disabled without knowing what he was doing. He (and the other members of his affiliated organizations) knew that if the police were photographed using violent repression against a mother holding her child, or a student in slacks, a cardigan, and Buddy Holly glasses, it would go over very differently than if they were photographed beating up “unruly thugs”. Their presence alone would be notable to people locally, especially in the heat of the south. But so would photographs of repressive violence against “nice people” that would then get picked up by the national media, and maybe in markets that were more sensitive to racial oppression.
[And like, there are other factors as well. People also sometimes think the Civil Rights Era erupted spontaneously from Jim Crowe and segregation in the South, and those are giant factors (”depravation” and “grievance”, in jargon), but there were also legislative things and court rulings brewing since the 1920s (the NAACP had been trying Civil Rights cases, and looking for test cases over the years), and the Cold War meant that America needed to appear to be the perfect image of opportunity and equality (together these things manifest as an “opportunity structure”. again, jargon). Not to get to down on protest as its own thing, but the structuralists do have a bit of a point.]
… There are other types of anti-fascist counter-protesting that have developed in various ways through the years. And like, a big thing in social movement theory overall is that while there are common tactics (”protest repertoires” in jargon), historical contexts matter a lot and some groups will have to do more dramatic performances of the WUNC to get attention. There’s also the move revolutionary antifa-type riot mentality. I’m not gonna call that one wrong either, mind, but since the Civil Rights Movement was brought up, it should be noted that those two forms of protest differed intentionally.
Anyway, as someone turning in a dissertation on this in a couple of days, here’s some drive-by political-sociology. If you want to learn more about the research behind processes of social movements, where they succeeded, and where they failed, I totally recommend checking out:
Charles Tilly (2004) Social Movements 1768-2008,
Sidney Tarrow (2011) Strangers at the Gates: Movements and States in Contentious Politics,
Sidney Tarrow (1998) Power in Movement: Social Movements and Contentious Politics,
Frances Fox Piven & Richard A. Cloward (1988) Poor People’s Movements: Why They Succeed and How They Fail, (this is on the Civil Rights Era protests and the somewhat fraught legislative follow-up exactly)
McAdam, Tarrow and Tilly (2001) The Dynamics of Contention
(McAdam has a quite well-regarded book on the Civil Rights Era specifically. I haven’t read it personally as it relates less to my regional context. However like, that’s worth noting and looking into. Also all of these are stodgey academic texts, but they’re not uncommon in university libraries, or even in some bookstores. They’re also all a bit old now and shouldn’t cost you a ton online.)
As a note – My point here isn’t to descend from the Ivory Tower of Academia and say “you people on the streets are doing this wrong!!1!”. Theory doesn’t always match up with Practice, and as noted by pretty much every notable theorist anyway… Context matters a TON. Not all movements will be able to use the same practices or performances. Sometimes their inaccessible, sometimes they just don’t have the cross-context appeal. It’s about experimentation and finding opportunity. To be clear, this isn’t about me telling folks how it should be done. Still, I think it’s worth sharing information when it’s available, especially if people who might not know are trying to draw specific links to historical cases. Social movement theorists have pretty much all agreed that WUNC displays (along with other factors like media diffusion) are super duper important and can be recognized in movements across historical contexts. I think it’s worth it for younger activists who might be looking for protest repertoires that work for their movement as it’s developing to take heed of the successes and failures of the past. Especially since a lot of it is either a) so much a part of history and culture that it doesn’t really get examined for its constituent bits, or b) has been mythologized to the point that it’s hard to look for really good popular historical information on its technical processes.
(If people have questions, feel free to DM me. I might be a little slow the next couple of days as I finish up proof-reading and checking all my citations but yeah. Let’s share knowledge and smash the fash.)
The Nazis of 2017 gained the ground they have with articles about how they were “dapper.” That was a political choice, and it worked. It snowed a lot of gullible goyim. People refused for almost a year to call “the alt-right” Nazis because they looked “like average white people.”
Nazis see their whiteness as a weapon already. Get yours out there and show them – they will never sway everyone. “If you have privilege or a status that allows you to use it as a weapon or a shield, use it as a shield to defend others or a weapon to break through the bullshit.”
Not someone who typically adds to an already long post, but I have done the whole dressing dapper af thing and it WORKS. A few years ago there was this big city council vote about an anti-discrimination ordinance that was going to be passed in my relatively progressive, but still very southern hometown. There were huge protests on both sides, both for and against the ordinance, with each side wearing a specific color (red was for, purple against) to show which side they supported. Most of the people against the ordinance were bussed in by hyper conservative churches and many didn’t even live in the town. It was a lot of old people and many of them wore nice clothing. I knew this would probably be the case, so I, being a southern girl at heart and knowing how these people work, broke out my crinoline and nicest red dress and perfect white gloves. I curled my hair and put on makeup and I showed my ass up to the protest. Made a point to be the picture of a perfect southern belle. And it threw the bigoted assholes for a serious loop. It was like they were short circuiting or something. They kept telling me how I reminded them of someone from their church or how pretty I looked and “how would a nice girl like you like a big cross dressing man in the ladies room???” which of course allowed me to explain, ever so nicely, that they were being bigoted assholes. And they Did Not Like that, because I was forcing them to look in the mirror, at someone who looks like them/someone they claim to be “protecting” and question their motives and beliefs. Seriously guys, it fucking works. Weaponize the fact that you look like the oppressor and throw it in their faces.
Bless this last comment.
say it again:
Weaponize the fact that you look like the oppressor and throw it in their faces.
“Money doesn’t buy happiness” ok and poverty buys what exactly
where is the lie
Out of poverty creates strength and compassion. It’s weird how that works.
i sure wasn’t feeling the strength when i was skipping class because i was too weak to walk there after going 2-3 days without food, and i definitely wasn’t compassionate when i was checking every time i walked home to see if there was an eviction notice on the door. stop trying to fucking make it seem like a good thing.
Poverty is not a virtue. It doesn’t make you a better person. Poverty doesn’t make you “strong and compassionate” it makes you insecure and stressed the fuck out. Poverty makes it so you can’t live your life without the everything being undercut by fear. It makes you hard and angry. We need to do away with the bullshit myth that being poor is somehow better for you as a person. You know who wants you to believe that? Rich people, so you don’t question them.
“poverty creates strength and compassion” is a lie perpetuated by the financially privileged to encourage the poor to accept their economic disadvantage and all of the trouble it comes with.
lack of access to affordable medical care, affordable education, shelter, electricity, and food do not build character. literally kill that myth right now