Headcanon that McGonagall is offended on a personal level that Umbridge loves cats.
This literally got 600 more notes just while I was at dinner what the fuck
How has nobody thought about this before tbh
Ok but imagine McGonagall in cat form prowling around the castle, in strategically chosen places so that Umbridge will come across her.
Umbridge takes the cat back to her office and feeds it a little saucer of milk. The cat starts coming back to Umbridge’s office around the same time every night, until eventually Umbridge gets into a little routine of setting out a saucer of milk for the cat before bed.
McGonagall now has all the best secrets on Umbridge, all of the results of the evaluations, and most importantly, is in a perfect position to spy on the ministry for the Order of the Phoenix.
All because Umbridge is obsessed with cats.
The mental image McGonagall lapping up that milk while full of burning hatred for Umbridge amuses me in ways I can hardly describe.
I’m sorry but all I can think of is the snake anecdote from Thor: Ragnarok, but with McGonagall and Umbridge and I’m crying
rather have my titty out than slowly suffocate in a chemical spill
How are women suppose to get their bra off from under their clothes and secured properly to their face in time if there is a sudden leakage of lethal gas
Henry, you severely underestimate our abilities.
son, this bra clasps in the front, that is easy mode
Fact: Everyone who regularly wears a bra can get it off, barely disturbing the rest of their clothes, in under 20 seconds.
There could be a bra-less woman around you in less than 20 seconds. You would never know.
if you have short sleeves, or even reasonably flexible long sleeves, you can pull your bra straps off your shoulders through the sleeves of your shirt and over your arms. then unclasp the bra and pull it out via top or bottom of your shirt. this is a really great trick for if you want to intimidate a man in bed.
Some of you are reblogging because you think its funny that programmers would talk to ducks. I’m reblogging because I think its funny picturing a programmer explaining their code, realizing what they did when they explain the bad code, then grabbing the strangling the duck while yelling “WHY WAS THE FIX THAT SIMPLE!? AM I GOING BLIND!”
AS A PROGRAMMER I CAN TELL YOU THAT THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU FUCKING DO WE HAD TO BAN THE DUCKS FROM MY CLASSES BECAUSE EVERYONE WOULD FLIP THE DUCK OR THROW IT AT A WALL OR SOMETHING WHEN THEY FIGURED OUT THE PROBLEM IN THEIR CODE
so that’s the function of a rubber duck
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I work at a startup and part of the onboarding package you get when you first start working here now includes a rubber duck. We also have a bigger version of the duck for the extra hard problems. Sometimes one duck doesn’t cut it and you need to borrow your neighbors to get more ducks on the problem. One time we couldn’t figure out why something wasn’t working right so we assembled the counsel of ducks and by the grace of the Duck Gods were we able to finally come to a solution. These ducks have saved many lives and should be respected for the heroes they are.
I use this for writing, actually. Explain what I’m doing and what I want to do and the different ways i can get to point B from A, as well as the different problems, amazingly working them out as I explain why I could or couldn’t the different things. I love the Rubber Duck theory.
Former programmer, can confirm. We didn’t have a duck in our office so our other programmer, who I shared a space with, used me as a duck proxy. (For the explaining, not the throwing.)
There was more than one day where I’d casually hear “Hey can you be a duck for a minute?”
Can someone explain how this started?
How it got started was someone was just being eccentric, as computer programmer types tend to be, and it just sort of caught on.
You go through the code, line-by-line, and explain to the duck, “Now,
this line of code is supposed to make the program do x, and this line is
supposed to make it do y, and this line is supposed to make it
do z… but the way that that colon is in there is preventing it from
doing that, and god damn it I’m an idiot.”
You use the duck because a) it doesn’t talk back, b) you won’t be interrupting anyone else’s work, and
c) it knows nothing about programming so you’re forced to simplify your thought process to explain it.
im putting together a couple of scottish folk mixes bc that’s what i do and im honestly curious if anyone in my country has ever been unequivocally happy about anything ever
scottish trad music genres:
Everyone I Love Is Dead
The English Have Stolen All My Sheep
You Want To Be My Boyfriend? First You Must Answer These Riddles Three
The Protestants Have Stolen All My Sheep
I Love You A Lot But You’ve Left Me And It’s Raining [fiddle solo]
The Sea Is Treacherous, Just Like The English
One Time Bonnie Prince Charlie Punched Me In The Face And It Was Awesome
The Fairies Have Stolen All My Sheep
We have of course the traditional Irish music genres to go with them:
* Everyone I Love Is An Allegorical Representation of Ireland
* The English Stole My Farm And Put Sheep On It
* You Were My Boyfriend But Now You Won’t Even Come To The Window To Look Upon Me And Our Dead Infant Child (In The Rain)
* Whack Fol Too La Roo Umptytiddly Good They’ve Stopped Listening Now Let’s Talk About Revolution
* Something In Irish, I Think It’s About Fairies, Or Maybe A Cow
oooo can I add to this? don’t forget Appalachian folk balladry, the American cousin of Scottish and Irish traditional music and just as uplifting as its Anglo-Saxon highland forbears!!!
genres include:
I Left Everyone I Love Back Home In The Holler To Be With This Guy Who Doesn’t Wear Shoes Or Have Teeth But He Plays A Mean Jug
The English Told Us Not To Move West Yet, We Ignored Them, My Entire Family Was Killed
You Were My Boyfriend But You Tied A Sack Of Rocks To My Petticoats And Threw Me In The Creek (And My Baby Too)
Mama Loves All 14 Of Us A Lot But She’s Weary Of Our Shit And Now She’s Dyin’ (Gather Round)
The McCleans Stole A Firewood Log From Our Pile So We Won’t Rest Until The Last Of Their Male Kin Is Laid In The Cold Ground
We Knew The River Would Rise But We Still Didn’t Fix The Levee
The River Rose, The Levee Broke, Everyone Died, It Was Just As We Reckoned (dulcimer twang-a-lang)
When The Rebels Come A-Marchin’ I’m A Southern Man And I Feed Their Horses My Best, When The Yankees Come A-Marchin’ I’m A Northern Man And I Feed Their Horses What The Rebels Left
The Tennessee Valley Authority Killed All My Sheep Somehow
Don’t forget that old standby “The Mine Collapsed and Everyone Died”!
I think someone needs to put in a word for the English folk tradition though:
I Met a Girl and We Went Hunting (It Was a Metaphor for Sex)
I Met a Girl and We Caught Some Birds (It Was a Metaphor for Sex)
I Met a Girl and We Found Her Lost Pet (It Was a Metaphor for Sex)
I Met a Girl By Staying At Her Parents’ House and She Made My Bed (It Was an Especially Thinly-Veiled Metaphor for Sex)
I Am a Girl and I Regret Engaging In Metaphors for Sex Because Now I’m Pregnant
I Met a Girl and Bribed Her Into Sex But She Stole My Horse and Ran Away With It
I Met a Girl At an Inn and We Had Non-Metaphorical Sex But She Stole My Stuff The Next Morning and Now I Have Syphilis
Your Fiance Died Either at Trafalgar or Waterloo, Let’s Get Married, I’m Glad You Said No Because I’m Really Him In Disguise
Lord Nelson Sure Was Awesome
The Press-Gang Dragged Off All the Important Men in My Life (And Now They Are Dead)
Farm Laborers Are The Salt of the Earth And Are Never Grindingly Poor
Begging Is a Completely Viable Career Option With Flexible Hours and Unlimited Access to Alcohol
behold mongolian folk music genres
I Went Out Riding and Noticed Mongolia
We Fought a Bunch of Guys (On Horseback)
Witness My Many Ungulates
(While On a Horse) I Met a Hot Girl Who Reminded Me of a Plant
On Three, Say What That Terrain Feature Looks Like to You (One, Two, Three, A Horse)
Witness My Many Ancestors’ Many Ungulates
I Also Enjoy Heavy Metal, Especially If It’s Made of Horseshoes
Oooorrrrweeeeuuurrrreeeeuuuuwwwwwrrrrrrrr (Is Tuvan for “Horse”)
You Might Not Know This About Me, But I Own a Horse
THE MONGOLIAN FOLK SONGS MADE IT BETTER.
now with more okinawan!
We Must Plant the Crops, Let’s Get Drunk!
We Must Harvest the Crops, Let’s Get Drunk!
There’s No Crops Right Now, Let’s Get Drunk!
Sex On the Beach Is Awesome, War Is Bad
There Are Ghosts in the Trees
The Japanese Exploit Us (And the Americans Do Too)
I Love the Sea, This Island Is Beautiful, War Is Still Bad
Hey, There’s an Old Man, Let’s Get Drunk!
Respect Your Parents Or You Will Be Lost at Sea Forever
As the daughter of a folksinger and spouse of a folklorist, I love this SO MUCH. Here’s some from the sub-sub-genre of French folk songs of the Midwest…
I Am A Brawny-Armed Lumberjack Who Loves a Town Girl, Oh No!
Oh Fuck, I Slept With a Fur Trapper, What Shall I Tell Maman?
Hauling Logs, Rolling Logs, Driving Logs, All Day, What Ho!
Like Hell You’re Marrying That Good for Nothing Bambocheur!
Fetch My Gold Ring That Fell Into the Sea! Now!
I Met A Sailor While A-Strolling, And Now We Are In Love!
I Want to Kiss the Sailor I Met A-Strolling, But I’m Afraid My Father Will Find Out!
Oh Fuck, I Kissed the Sailor I Met A-Strolling And Now We Are Doomed!
Some Italian Folk Music Genres
A Spider Has Bitten Me And If I Do Not Dance I Will Die, Alas
I Am A Very Fancy Man With A Very Fancy Hat
The Cable Car Is A Thinly-Veiled Metaphor For Your Feminine Torture, O Woman
Rome Is The Very Best Place And Every Other Place Is Just Awful
I Love You, But You Are Married
I Love You, But You Are Fickle (Why Did You Dance With The Baker’s Son, Thou Vixen?)
I Love You, But You Left Me All Alone On This Romantic Wind-Swept Hillside, Which Is Actually Very Pretty, But Not As Pretty As You, Foul Temptress
Rome Is Still The Best Place And Every Other Place Can Go Right To Hell
Seriously Once You Have Been To Rome You Will Just Be Sick At The Thought Of Being Anywhere Else, You Will Pine Away And Die
I Love You, But You Are Dead (Or Maybe You Just Went To Live In A Slightly Prettier Place)
Rome, Rome, O Rome, Ah Rome, Rome Rome Rome, Have I Mentioned That I Love Rome?
Venetian Special Genres:
Women Are Like The Ocean: Salty And Full Of Drowned Sailors
Women Are Like The Ocean: I Cannot Figure Them Out At All
I Saw You One Time At A Party And I Have Designs Upon Your Feminine Virtue
I Love You, But You Are Married To The Ocean (For Some Reason)
I thought I would add some Dutch ones, because I saw no one had added any: – That Girl Is A Prostitute (But At Least She Goes To Church)
– That Incompetent Sailor Is Actually A Girl, But She Will Have Sex With You If You Don’t Kick Her Off The Boat
– Someone Of Any Occupation Is Doing Something, But Unfortunately They Are Now Dead
– Fuck You Spain (Haha, We Sunk Your Boat And Stole Your Silver)
– Fuck You England
– We Might Be Small, But We Will Fight You
– Life Isn’t So Bad, If You Just Go Outside
– Fuck You Winter
– Look At That Guy (Wild Racism)
– We Like Going To Other Countries (More Wild Racism)
– Drinking Is Fun
– Drinking Makes Me Long For Sea
– God Is My Dad
– My Province Is Great And Full Of Nature
Some nice Russian folk songs:
There Was A War And Everyone is Dead, There’s Also a Symbolic Bird
There is Going to Be a War And Everyone Will Die, There’s Also a Sybmolic Bird
The Dyeing Is Happening Right Now, There’s Also a Symbolic Bird
I Had a Dream About Us Dying (No Birds Involved)
Alas You Are Dead
I’m a Bird, I Drink Vodka
Fuck It’s Cold
Frost Do Not Freeze Me Do Not Freeze My Horse Do Not Freeze My Wife Please I Have Children
And my personal favourite:
Ayy Lmao This Guys Head Just Got Shot Off, We Are Going to Die Hahaha
I just couldn’t miss an opportunity to provide you a comprehensive summary of Ukrainian folk music genres.
~ I Married To A Man And Moved Far From My Home But I Want Fucking Back On My Fucking Land To My Parents And A Guy Whom I Actually Planned To Marry Before My Society’s Patriarchal Structure Destroyed My Life
~ A Guy Whom I Loved Loved Me And Also A Some Other Bitch So I Poisoned Him So That Nobody Gets Him
~ This Is My Land And I Love It Very Much, Period
~ I Made A Traditional Kupala Wreath And Released It On Water To Find My Love, No Sexual Hits Involved
~ I Have A Veeery Deeeeep Well In My Garden, And Also A Veeery Curly-Wurly Cabbage, And Also A Veeery Sweeeet Carrot Growing There, Come On Guys Check It Out, Oh, And There Are Totally No Sexual Hints
~ Graphic Descriptions Of Lesbian Sex
~ Everybody Is Dead After A Battle But There Is One Particular Cossack Whom I Am Especially Obligated To Mourn About Because He Is A Representative Of Our Entire Nation’s Young People
~ The Couple Cannot Be Together Because Of Various Reasons And Everybody Cries
~
The Couple Cannot Be Together Because Of Various Reasons And Everybody Cries And It’s Compared To Some Sad Shit Happening In Nature
~ Let’s Kill All People Who Threaten Ukraine Hahaha Yay!
~Let’s Kill All People Who Threaten Ukraine And Involve Some Couple Who Cannot Be Together Because Of Various Reasons And Everybody Cries
Adding these well-known Cajun hits
~ I have a boat and have procured many crawfish do you love me?
~ I sure do love crawfish, boats, the bayou, and also dancing
~ My girlfriend can cook, and is therefore superior your girlfriend, who cannot
~ my girlfriend cannot cook and is therefore inferior to all other girlfriends
~ I saw you over a pile of crawfish and knew I was in love (on the bayou)
~ a list of regional dishes set to the tune of kitchen utensils
Canada checking in:
~ There was a ship and everyone on it was brave as it sank in a storm on the ocean or possibly one of our many inland-sea-sized lakes, please remember the name of the ship
~ We fell in love when we were young and we didn’t actually understand each other and you figured that out before I did because I’m slow-witted and you’re kind of a jerk so you left me (now listen to this sick organ/fiddle/guitar/harmonica/piano solo)
~ Fuck the railroad, fuck the government, and especially fuck the HBC
~ Gosh everything in this country is inhumanly big and inconvenient and trying to kill us, we’re so lucky to live here, it’s so majestic
~ The English stole our sheep and exiled my true love to Louisiana
~ That’s Cute – an indigenous/
Métis coproduction after hearing that last one
~ Well we’re all in debt and working in a mine fucking sucks but at least we can get drunk and go dancing on the weekends
~ This guy went to prison for a crime he didn’t commit/did commit but with the most sympathetic motive for doing it ever and now he’s out of jail and everything is bittersweet, either because he broke out and has to go back or because he’s lost years of his life to a broken legal system.
~ HELLO OUT THERE, WE’RE ON THE AIR, IT’S HOCKEY NIGHT TONIGHT!
Nova Scotia special edition:
~ The sea sucks and left me a broken wreck of my former self.
~ The sea sucks and killed my one true love.
~ Working in a mine sucks and will kill you
~ The weather sucks and will kill you.
~ Poverty sucks and will kill you.
~ I desperately wish I could return home to Nova Scotia, that beautiful gem in the sea.
Reblogging for additions. If you read the last iteration, start after Cajun.
Additional French-Canadian:
Everything Comes In Threes
The King’s Son Shot One of My Three Ducks, Which Then Turned Into Jewels, It’s Just Occurred to Me This May Also Be a Metaphor for (Royal Mistress) Sex
I Backed the Losing Side in a Revolt and Now Am an Exile
Utterly lost it at “HELLO OUT THERE, WE’RE ON THE AIR.”
I feel like the reason there aren’t any ‘Jewish hero fights the Fair Folk’ stories is because we’d easily get out of that situation.
Like, put Hershel of Ostropol in any situation involving the Fair Folk and bro would talk his way out.
This is why I’m not really scared of paranormal beasties. But yes, I’d enjoy reading this happen.
Names have power? Give them your secular name and not your Hebrew one.
If you eat their food you’re trapped? It’s not kosher anyways.
They speak in riddles? What, and you didn’t grow up answering a question with a question?
Confuse the Fair Folk with impossible halachic questions: if a man falls off a roof and onto a woman and as a result she becomes pregnant, is he obligated to marry her and is the child a mamzer? If meat is grown in a laboratory from a mix of various animal cells is it kosher, and is it even meat, and what bracha would you even say on it? Is a unicorn permitted to cleanse a poisoned stream on Shabbat using the innate purifying powers of its horn or does it count as work? Can it be justified as pikuach nefesh? Can necromancy be justified as pikuach nefesh, if one approaches necromancy with the understanding that it is just delayed medical assistance?
And if all else fails, you can always get out a fleischig pan, kick ass and take names, and don’t forget to say the blessing for fucking someone’s day up:
NO HOLD THE FUCK UP I TRIED THIS THIS MORNING AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED NOT THIS THERE WAS NO BEAUTIFULLY FLOWING RIVER OF ALMOND MILK GOING INTO MY CUP YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED HALF THE FUCKING MILK WENT ON THAT CARDBOARD SHIT DICK BLOCKADE AND SPILLED OUT EITHER SIDE OF SAID BLOCKADE AND ALL OVER THE COUNTER THIS DOES NOT WORK IT COMES OUT TOO FAST AND JUST DOESNT WORK
sweetheart no babe no sweetheart u fold it back u fold the cardboard back u fold it back babe
When I put them in the queue I thought everyone was going to get annoyed because they’ve seen them a million times, I feel terrible that so many of you guys haven’t!
There is this controversy in book industries about e-books; specifically Amazon who has made it easy for someone to self publish whereas before it would cost someone thousands of dollars and so if you did you were a loser because you obviously couldn’t get an agent or even get an indie publisher to back you. All of a sudden a million books are being self published by losers who are ruining literature because anyone can just print anything and nothing matters anymore. It’s the same thing they said when they invented the printing press and then again when trade paperbacks became a thing.
A whole bunch of people, mostly fanfic writers just repurpose in their work, start publishing these short erotic novels that they haven’t even edited and it was all getting weirder and weirder.
BDSM became mainstream because of EL James publishing her Twilight fanfiction ‘50 shades of gray’ and then suddenly there were a bunch of books that made people uncomfortable about time traveling to fuck dinosaurs. One erotic novel written by Christie Sims and Alara Branwen kind of became the poster child for the demise intellectualism.
A few years later someone calling themselves Chuck Tingle started to publish tiny erotica novels about people having sex with unicorns and Bigfoot that were intentionally weird with long and had highly specific titles. The covers went viral, most people thinking they were memes but then discovered they were real books that were actual short stories written by somebody who knew how to write and was obviously mocking the controversy.
Everyone was complaining and trying to find out who he was and journalists were trying to contact “him” but he refused to be interviewed. The popular rumor started going around that it was actually a father and son that wrote the books together and someone who everyone is probably sure was actually Chuck Tingle was anonymously interviewed and was like, “lol yeah and we usually write them start to finish in one night” which made people madder and was true because he really blew up when a meme about this dress went viral in a day and by the end of the day
Chuck
Tingle had a new erotic novel about fucking the dress.
Adding to the controversy is the fact that if you publish through Amazon people can read your books for free through their “digital library” but when people check out books it’s technically counted as a sale. Out of nowhere some dude named Chuck Tingle was at the top of the bestsellers list with these offensive books and sort of accidentally got nominated for a really prestigious award and everyone lost their shit.
The powers that be were changing the rules so he couldn’t win, which is what also happened to Neil Gaiman when his comic book Sandman got nominated and everyone was outraged that a comic book could be considered literature. Neil Gaiman actually won the award and then they put in a rule that no more comic books could be nominated, but they got lucky with Chuck Tingle and he didn’t win. Except then he was nominated for a second time.
Obviously Chuck Tingle didn’t win again,
but then he kind of doubled down and published books about getting fucked by his nomination and then fucked by the concept of getting fucked over by the industry. Then his book started getting really mostly sociopolitical and shoved his award nomination down everyone’s throats..
They were still just short weird erotica, but instead of being tongue-in-cheek funny they became condescendingly critical.
He has a website with an about me page but he’s become a folklore hero and everyone is 99% sure it’s fake.
As he stands now, the industries are still really upset but the indie scenes are considering them high art.
I am among the latter.
Don’t forget, the whole reason people nominated Chuck Tingle for the Hugo awards in the first place is because a lot of white male authors were really mad that women and racial minorities were winning awards. They nominated him, but of course, he wasn’t going to ruin the mystery by revealing himself, so instead he had someone go to the Hugos in his place… Zoe Quinn, who Gamergate centered around, and who was therefore the poster child of everything this group *hated*.
Chuck Tingle is a goddamn master.
Thank you for addingthat. I was about to be “but it wasn’t an accident he was nominated for a Hugo”
wupacing 